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Old 12-11-2005, 12:57 PM
pipking Canada pipking is offline
I lol you

Join Date: Jun 2003
View Posts: 2,495
Re: (MC/HOR/TRA???) NEED TITLE HELP (T?)

I like your writing - simple and crisp. There are a few flaws.

Your main character is supposedly six. The dialogue is completely unbelievable coming from six-year-olds. No librarian would let a child take out a book called "Humans and Sex" without serious questioning first. In fact, I think all the flaws come down to the same thing - it's just not believable. Even if you were planning on taking this story to 'fantastic/horrific' places, everything comes down to your readers buying the characters.

Child abuse is a tricky subject to write about. So far what you've written comes off as trite, like you just wanted something to motivate/hurt your main character. It seems thrown in for shock value. Maybe you're just building to something I can't see, but because of the problems with character, it's hard to see anything but the technical (writing which is, as I said, good).

I think you're brave to take on a dark subject, and wish you luck.
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