Let me start of to say that this was a wonderful read, and I hope that you continue with it. I LOVE adventure stories, there is a certain way to write them, and you almost have it, if you don't mind I'de like to edit it a little.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Eijiro
The night held certain tranquillity about it, despite the events that were soon to unfold beneath the cloak of darkness. A soft breeze swept through the towering treetops, as it continued through the large compound beyond, rattling the lanterns along the outer rim of the house. Inside, there was silence.
|
I think it would be better if you described the "compound" a bit more. The material it was made from, what colour was it in the moonlight, also, a general location would be helpful.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Eijiro
At the gate of the large home, two guards were stationed, seemingly motionless. One of the guards shivered slightly, before coughing and cursing the cold weather under his breath. They were guards to their lord and his family, an extremely well known family who had their fair share of enemies; they had just bore their first heir. The guards too, were just as oblivious to what was about to happen right under their noses.
|
It would be nice to know the name of the family, if they are so well know, well, hell, we oughta know who they are.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Eijiro
On the opposite side of the compound, one man approached the wall and tossed a rope up towards the roofing, latching onto the crimson red tiles with a grapple. He put his feet to the stone wall and pulled back on the secure rope, using it to scale to the top of the wall. After getting his bearings on the roof, he quickly detached the grapple and began to run in the direction of the main gate.
|
Nothing wrong here, perfectly written.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Eijiro
The man ran with his hands limp, pointing out behind his back, his feet made little more than a soft tapping noise as they hit the hard brick. He was dressed in dark clothing; it was impossible to make out in the black of the night. His hair was jet black, of fairly reasonable length, with a long fringe, which covered his right eye, crossing over his metal forehead protector.
|
Again, descriptions! What kind of cloths, yes, they are black, but did he have a belt? If so, what material? leather, cloth, or metal.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Eijiro
The kunai reached its target and the guard let out a small cry, before collapsing to the ground, the kunai lodged in his air pipe. His companion quickly ran over to the corpse of his friend, and with that, the man above leapt silently down to the ground; shadowing his target.
|
I think it would be more interesting for the reader if you wrote the kunai lodging in the throat first, THEN having the guard let out the feint cry.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Eijiro
The man unsheathed a small sword, just longer than a dagger but with the craftsmanship of a sword. The guard heard this and a look of pure fear consumed his face in an instant, as he went to turn to face the intruder. His movement was all too slow, however. Before he could even turn his head, the intruder was pushing hard up against his back, and he could feel the icy cold steel blade pushing up against his throat. There was a second of splitting plain and a helpless cry as the guard slumped to the ground in a fountain of crimson blood.
|
perfection in words my friend, perfection
I swear, if you don't continue this, I may have to kill you. If ya need any help, I'm always a PM away
