I will say you're dialogue is really improving and while smoother is still a bit jerky in spots, but stuffs trying to kill them right? - go you. You did a good job with this, gave me enough info that even though I am not familiar with the genre, I wasn't hopelessly lost and almost interested enough to read more. -

but I give you props for holding my attention til the end.

That's harder to do than you think.

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