My personal grievance is my unhealthy relationship with food. I have sooo much trouble even bringing up the slightest hint I might have a problem, but the truth is, I do. Have a problem. Anyway, I've been trying to get myself to bring it up with someone for a while now but I just can't do it. Because even if they know, would they help? Do I necessarily want help? Do I want to change? I've been like this, on-and-off, since I was 13 so it's mostly routine for me to love and despise eating so much, to starve myself because I'm weird or gorge myself because I'm stressed, to binge and purge, to make myself throw up, because I can't stop and I tell everyone oh of course I've stopped four years ago duh that's not a thing that I do that's not who I am. And why do I do it? Can someone in the audience tell me why? Because I don't know the answer either, at first I started it because it was some form of ♥♥♥♥ed-up self punishment but now I just do it because I have to.
There are maaaany things I want to change about who I am and how I'm seen but I don't know if the food-thing is really one that's adjustable. I accept it as a part of myself that I have no self control and if I'm going to eat a pint of ice cream and throw up because I'm bored and I want to then...wait...what the ♥♥♥♥ is wrong with me?

Anyway ZU, I still want to be the same person whether I've got this disorder or not I'm still me me Mackenzie kezzer so. Ugh I don't want anyone thinking different of me, or that I'm disgusting or something I mean we all have our problems and things we're a lil bit crazy with. Sure, I could rupture my insides, ruin my teeth, and burn out my esophagus but at least...I'm not an alcoholic? Right? Or on drugs. So it's not so bad. I'll be fine.

I just want to make sure people will still see me as me even if they do read this whole thing and know now.