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05-21-2012, 10:49 AM
We don't walk away.
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Tiaanamat, Akhaten's Orbit
Re: Kol's Snippets
Wow. These are really depressing, but they are beautifully written and offer a new outlook on the world and people around us, a powerful examination of the human psyche and the effects that love and lust can have on it. I was hooked throughout, even despite the especially dark nature of these vignettes. My favorite is "Cynical Love;" the flow and style is fantastic!
However, I am a "bit" of a Grammar Nazi, so a few repeated grammatical errors took a bit away from the impact of the writings for me. I understand, however, that writers' styles differ from each other and may contradict technicalities regarding grammar---my own writing often includes stylistic sentence fragments---so if any of my following tips go against your general writing style, feel free to disregard them!
voluntarily to such pain?
Only Grammar Nazis constantly use "himself or herself" when referring to singular, nonspecific nouns or pronouns, so I don't expect you to do that. However, there are other ways of correcting instances of third-person, plural pronouns referring to singular nouns. One way you could correct this sentence is:
voluntarily to such pain?
lay abandoned next to me,
having grown bored
of reading it.
Okay, I obviously know what you are saying. But if you read this sentence literally, it sounds like you are saying that the novel grew bored of reading...itself...? This is an error that we grammar freaks like to call a modifier. Basically, it doesn't seem that the action (modifier) in the second clause is referring to anything logical. Here is a possible correction:
I have abandoned my novel and, having grown bored of it, placed it abandoned next to me.
I wasnít too worried about
she wanted to be independent Iíd let her, simple as that.
You, good sir, have made a comma splice, which is quite possibly the most commonly made grammatical error in recent years. And I don't know why, but no matter what the context may be, comma splices annoy the crap out of me. (I should probably get that checked out.) It's a quick fix, though. If you want to fix it.
Yeah, Iíll show up on her
and tell her...
Okay, now I am getting ridiculous; no need to point that out to me! XD Anyway, this is an error in word choice. This sentence, when taken literally, seems to imply that gravity has shifted in such a way that one could actually sit or stand on the surface of a door. You probably meant "doorstep." But this is
picky. Again, it's your writing!
Whether or not you put my nitpicking to use, I can honestly say that the pluses already far outweigh the minuses. Good work!
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