I Don't Like This...
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05-16-2012, 11:19 PM
Indeed, Do Read
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Not here
I Don't Like This...
Well, it has come to my attention these past few years that I am depressed. In my early days of joining
, I actually wasn't, it only started in May 2010 or so, when I started getting picked on by this one kid in 7th Grade. He kept bullying me, and bullying me until I graduated grammar school. I had called the principal about this a few times, and to no avail. See, the issue was that it was dealt with way too late in the game, because I thought it would come down quickly, but it ended up getting worse and worse, until he had to apologize in May 2011, but I had ended up getting picked on again in June, but it was too late.
This started a new state of mind for me. Which continued to grow into something really hard for me to live with. I had already joined
for awhile, and later grew to become a brony. Then, that's when all hell broke loose. I made a stupid video, and by making this stupid video, this started to kill my self-esteem. There was quite a fight that went on with
summer of 2011, that I ended up making things worse. I got flamed quite a bit, and things stirred up on the site. I was a part of the problem, as I kept keeping this going. I joined
so people could hear me out, hear what I had to say, but I that point, I had figured people hated what I had to say.
So, since then I had been beating myself up for that. People had pointed that out for quite a bit on the site, actually. Then if you paid attention closely, a lot of my custom user titles were putting myself down. For example: "Mr. Terrible", "Guy Who Constantly Posts Untrue Things on the Internet", "Now With 2% Dumb", "Butthurt Fanboy Who Poisons the Internet", etc. So, then when High School came, that's when things got to the point of unbearable. I had a hard time making friends from day one, then when I had found a genuinely nice group of kids, then they start turning on me. They started calling me names, and telling me to "go away". So, I did. I found another group who I personally didn't see myself hanging out with.
During all this time, I visited my old grammar school very often for plays and such. This happened to start a paranoia of mine, where I thought everybody secretly hated me. See, the people backstage, they were total turds. Tell me to "shut up", tell me all these things, and yeah. They hated me. Mostly because I had always loved to joke around and have fun, and they didn't like that. They didn't want me telling some cheesy, half-baked pun. So, I stopped working backstage. The problem with this is, I was constantly told to go help them out back there, so I had to adhere. Which ended up me going home sad and down. They made me think I was the problem. I still think I am the problem.
In conclusion, I think I am a failure that everybody hates, not funny, stupid, moronic, selfish, idiotic, etc. and I don't know how to deal with this. I don't want to go to a counselor, because they'll make me feel like a freak. Same thing with telling my parents. I want this feeling to go away, but I don't know how.
EDIT: Also, this feeling of everybody secretly hating me still continues to remain.
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