The White Heron
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02-26-2010, 10:57 PM
Ah, dolce far niente!
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: My own little world
Re: The White Heron
Wow...It's been a long time since I've picked up something like this. There's always something to critisize, but rest assured that this is quite a piece of work.
Like you said, the piece does flow rather well. I can certainly see how there were also interruptions in the dialogue to keep it from becoming a void of speech. The lack of spelling errors is also impressive, as is the characterization brought on from the dialogue. The idea behind this is certainly creative--writing an experience like this is challenging in and of itself.
There is, however, a lot of missing punctuation in the dialogue and a few awkward sentences. The extensive dialogue is a little much and there's not as much depth in detail as I'd like--still, in the area of writing conventions, you've done very well.
Definitely an interesting prologue; it gives a strong foreshadowing sense of where this story is going. It's probably just me, but I just had a hard time following it. Whenever you dunk a reader into a full sense of what is to come, you can naturally expect them to be somewhat puzzled and confused. Just make sure that's the first impression you wanted to make. If you have impatient readers, it might just turn them off, while on the other hand, those intrigued will obviously be looking for more.
My only real concern is the enormous amount of abstract details--some which even contradict themselves--because things like colors I've never seen before are rather hard to imagine (as is living even a moment without any senses, as I've never been blind, dumb, or deaf). Of course, that's just a matter of opinon, but you may be concerned about how well your readers can relate to the experience, for if there's no relation, it is extraordinarily difficult to find meaning in it.
All in all, I think you've done a swell job.
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