LOZ: The Timeline Wars
EPISODE III:
Under Arrest
“GET UP, DAMN IT! BAWWWW!” Talon kicked the closet door multiple times, and with each strike he was, as he felt, that much closer to returning this girl to sender. Well, he would have already, had he any stamps left, but besides that her parents were dead. That made things much harder to deal with.
“I’m up! I’m up!” She rubbed sleep from her eyes groggily, and then went to the bathroom to prepare herself for the day’s work. She used Malon’s old perfume to wash the stink out of her only pair of clothes, and washed her hair. She used one of the cow brushes to get all of the rough places, like the thick hair in her pits.
Talon, finally satisfied, put down his nail-laden wooden board and walked outside. It was a sunny day, and all of the cuccos were carrying on like car alarms. If one went off, the rest were soon to follow, and this resulted in a near-infinite loop. This is why Ingo would always carry a pitchfork around, and why most people refer to him as a necessary evil.
“Hello there Ingo! Keeping the Ranch in good order?” Talon was in good humor today.
Ingo’s moustache wiggled. “Yes, yes.” He stabbed a few cuccos in an offhand fashion before remembering something. “Talon...I don’t think we should accept any messengers. I heard rumors of another ninja attack today. You know how they are. They could be anywhere, look like anyone...” His eyes widened. “They could already be here, infiltrating our midst like some kind of bodysnatching sasquatch...”
Bellah walked out of the house with a pail in her hand. “I’m going to go wash the Barn of Secrets, I’ll be right back for the milking!” She skipped off merrily, and the two men watched her. Talon’s heart sank. Ingo’s moustache jittered nervously.
“There’s no way she’s a ninja. Ninjas KILLED her parents. That’s the opposite of what one would expect to happen! Physically impossible!”
“You don’t think it’s odd that she survived a ninja attack?”
“Well, someone would have to or we’d never know they happened. Aside from the origami they leave behind, of course.”
“Yes, but you see my point.”
“I’m afraid I do, Ingo. But unless you want outhouse duties again, that’s a liability I’m willing to take. Sometimes you need to let ninjas be ninjas. Also, ever thought of shaving that thing? I think I see lice.”
“Well, if my ‘stache has lice, I got it from your hairy arms!”
“What did you say to me, Waluigi?!”
“My name is INGO! INGO STARR!”
“Wahhhhh-LUIGI!”
Ingo would cry bitter tears over this tonight, as he was very sensitive about his birth name, which he hated. As one would expect, the two proceeded to punch and swear at each other for three hours, which translates into Hyrule time as half the day. No work was accomplished, and the two quarrelsome men proceeded to not talk to each other for the rest of the month, which was to say, about a week.
*****
Halfway through that week of silence, another visitor came to Lon Lon Ranch. He was a knight atop a fine horse, not of Lon Lon stock but of who knew where. When he saw a cucco he opened the scroll that was tied to his waist and began to read.
“Hear ye! The Kingdom of Hyrule is now offering savages from the mountainous region as workers for Hylian men! Good workers, smarter than most animals!”
The cucco was insulted, and was about to interject but was kicked aside by Talon. “Wuzzat? Savages? How many rupees are we tawkin’ here, boy?” He scratched his arm hair with a definite gleam in his eye. Maybe the atheists were wrong. Perhaps the Goddesses were watching over him.
“About 50 rupees for a whole one, sir. We found the savages trying to eat the foundation of Hyrule Castle. They’re slow, sure enough, but they can work.”
“Heh. That sounds about fair, rightly enough.”
The knight got off his (admittedly high) horse and picked something off of the ground. “But sir, I’m going to have to ask you to hand me that cucco of yours.”
“Why?”
“Look at this feather. It’s turning blue. Now I’m not saying you PRODUCED this particular breed, but it’s best if I take it into custody. Counterfeits are not acceptable. The Konjiro incident was a big enough issue as it was, and we’ll need to trace this one. Do you have a receipt?”
Talon did not. He picked a few feathers off of the cuccos just to check. Sure enough, they all turned blue.
“In that case, sir...We’re going to have to take you in for questioning.”