LOZ: The Timeline Wars
Episode II
Bellah of Lon Lon Ranch
It sure is odd living here on Lon Lon Ranch, but I am trying to get used to it. Mister Talon works me very hard, but I have picked up from my lazier ways I got from my parents, who were apparently “liberal meatheads.” Mister Talon is such a good man, he’s pushing me harder than ever to work like a good farmhand. I don’t even cry when he hits me now!
It is a little easier living with Malon, though, despite the hangups. She is very competitive about boys, especially about the blonde kid in green who comes and visits sometimes. I think his name is Aaron Carter. He doesn’t say much, but he must be snobby. Malon is so worried I’ll embarrass her that whenever he arrives she makes me hide in the windmill or in a dirty trough.
I don’t really get what the appeal is, I really don’t.
Sometimes I want to go back to my old home, but it’s just a faint dream. After all, I can’t remember anything about Lah Lah Ranch except what Mister Talon told me, that it was “set ablaze to all tarnation by a gang of ninjas and their flaming arrows,” leaving no survivors but myself. I sometimes wonder if my father really WAS a communist pipe-layer who was fully deserving of his demise, and I once questioned Talon if he wasn’t just being mean. After he admonished me, I picked myself up off the floor and spit out my loose tooth to give to the fairy that night.
I can still remember that fairy’s arrival so well...The sky was dark, like most nights are. It was raining, as a storm front had stolen life from the day before setting in. I could smell some of the cuccos outside being cooked by the lightning, since we never did build a pen to protect them from the harsh realities of Hyrule Field. We tried to get Ingo to tack one together, but he’s too busy trying to usurp Mister Talon’s position of power. That, and cleaning up after the cuccos.
The fairy arrived in a ball of flame, and for a minute I was afraid it was a ninja’s arrow. But then I realized a ninja wouldn’t try to shoot fire arrows in the rain. At that moment I was certain it was a fairy, so I put down my knife and other combat gear and waited for the sweet creature to come talk to me. It floated in at a dainty pace, and looked around my room with all due respect.
“So...Why are you sleeping in your closet?”
“Oh? No, this isn’t MY closet. This is Malon’s closet. I sleep here because she had enough room for me once she got rid of her Little Moo-Moo Breeder playset.”
“Ah. Okay, well,” said the fairy, “I guess I’ll be taking your tooth then. Hand it over, hmm?”
“Okay,” I told her, handing the chipped tooth to the part of the light orb that seemed most likely to be a hand. She took it, and pulled what appeared to be a large lens out of her Inventory Cavity. I politely looked away until she had it out, and then she inspected the tooth carefully.
“Hmm...Seems about right...Could have used more cleaning...But yes. Good. You get a Silver Rupee for your troubles. Here you--”
“Wait,” I told her. “Don’t hand it to me, I don’t want the Item Get tune to wake up the whole house. Slide it under my bed, please.” And she did. It was strange seeing her there, so after she finished stowing away my reward, I began to ask her things.
“Where do fairies come from?” I had never known, so I thought it pertinent to ask.
“Well, when two androgynous balls of light love each other, very much...”
“Alright,
that's enough...Have you ever been to Kakariko Village? Malon said she goes there to pick up fresh cuccos. It sounds like a lovely place, but I'm never allowed to go.”
“Ah, yes. But my travel agent warned me that there’s a lot of bad stuff happening there. Apparently the graveyard is experiencing technical difficulties, the windmill has broken loose and is on a violent spree. But overall, lovely place to stay if you don’t need the bustle of Castletown.”
“Oh, wow. That’s so exciting...” I was so sick for adventure I could feel my heart racing at the thought of it all. I think the fairy could tell, because she started acting strange.
“Well...If you ever get tired of living here...I know a way out if you’re interested.”
I listened long and hard, and sometimes even both.
TO BE CONTINUED...