The Legend of Zelda: The Timeline Wars [T]
By M. P. Barnett
PROLOGUE, AKA THE FU*KTARDED REMOTELY RELATED OPENING BONUS
THE MUDORA CODE
Narrator: “The Book of Mudora depicts many ancient truths, handed down through generations. As one would expect of Holy Manuscripts, it was first orally transmitted thousands of times and memorized by all the Hylians who didn’t know what the hell they were getting into because they couldn’t choose a career until they were stuck with it.”
“When paper was invented, alongside crude doodled pornography, the first copy of Mudora was painstakingly written. Central to the infallible legends of Mudora is the story of the Trinity of Hyrule, the Three Goddesses. Or the single Goddess, if you’re a Unitarian. The Goddesses, singular or plural, descended upon the vast and dingy darkness during the middle of a philosophical discussion of the nature of immortality...This scene of the myth has generated quite a bit of speculation as to how it actually happened. One of the textual passages regarded by scholars as a true-to-life retelling is the Book of Adole’scea, found in a bottle trapped beneath a rock in Zora River. A quote from the passage is listed below.”
[Cut to three golden-skinned beings in cosmic footsie pajamas]
Din: “You know...I don’t think Derek is into you, Farore.”
Farore: [goes red] WHAT?! I m-mean...I know I’m not what you’d call a Beatific Vision, but I mean I think he gives me a look now and then...
Din: [twiddles golden fingers] I dunno...He seemed a little preoccupied when we saw him last...
Farore:[stands up, hands at her sides] What do you mean?!
Nayru: [compares breast sizes with the others as she speaks] Din, you wouldn’t hypothetically want to try and whore your way in between Farore and Derek just for the sake of it, would you?
Din: Hypothetically, it depends if Derek is still the hot piece of arse he was three millenia ago...
Farore: Well, you know how it goes...Sometimes with guys, you just have to hit it and quit it. I dated this one guy, he was cute, but after he got these weird piercings on his palms and feet...It was gross. And he hung out with his friends all night, getting toasted on wine and bread, only to come home with splinters and bruises... I stopped answering his summons and that was that. It dwindled into nothing, and I died a little inside. But that’s the price to pay for decency. Christ, you'd think he'd have been more stable.
[Return To Narrator]
Narrator: [sips from a cup] And so, it begs the question: just how much of the tales are true? What if the Goddesses are really men? What if Din was one of us, just a slob like one of us? Instead of a tyrannical whore, that is. According to the Book of Regrets, she once slept with a chicken...Though this is unsubstantiated.
