your facts are good but the form needs improvement.
your introductory paragraph should be a mini-statement of your viewpoint, and a mini-list of the reasons why. Each following paragraph should be devoted to explaining one of your reasons. narrow down the facts you are using to back up your statement, or categorize them per paragraph.
conclusion paragraph should be a restatement of the introduction, in different words, and prefferable with a fluffy-BS sentence at the end
hope you understood that.
BTW I was always a straight A Lit/English student, and senior year history had a required essay EVERY week. I know a thing or two about essay-writing.