Originally Posted by Veyrael

I think your story has a lot of potential, but here are a couple of things that might help make this better-

1) I think more description would help. Take some time to describe the areas around your characters, and not just the situation or why they are in a particular area. If you can, try and put in descriptions pertaining to each of the five senses. Don't just tell me what's happening, show me! Really try and get into the characters' minds. Draw me, the reader, into the world you're trying to create here.

2) Separate your chapters into paragraphs. To be honest, I found your story hard to read because there was hardly any spacing between dialogue. Have a space between your dialogue from the rest of your description like so-

"So what do you think of my ring?" He asked.

"I think it's lovely!" She replied.

Granted, that's not the best example I could've given you, but you see my point. That is definitely easier to read.

While I'm on that subject, every so often, break off and start a new paragraph. I find it easier for me to read something if you break descriptions down into smaller paragraphs because honestly, it is really hard to read huge paragraphs.

I hope this helps you.