The best advice I could give anyone is to edit and rewrite. You would be hard pressed to find anyone who writes the perfect story on the first try. People spend good amount of time editing and rewriting whole parts of their stories.

I must say that this is MUCH better then the first. The narration is not something I particulary like. It reminds me of the beginging of some shows that explain what happened on the last episode.

Well Midna was done a differently, which is good. I have not read most of the story, so I do hope it explains why Midna was there right away.

Also for the most part inside monologue(sp) is usually done in italics.

Well I have nothing further to say about the first chapter. Its not as strong as it could be, but its better.

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[original looks better, but the site wont allow its awsomeness, so i had to shrink it a bit]