Originally Posted by Tazryl

well I have not read the whole story, I kind of just skimmed parts of it. You do have a few minor mistakes. You do have some run-on sentences.

Like this one from the first paragraph.



Its one long sentence. Its a simple fix with either a semicolon or a period. Also the second part sounds confusing. This might just be me, but for some reason it just doesn't sound right.



This might be a stronger and less confusing sentence. I think I got what you were trying to say, but something just didnt feel right. I also may have just changed the meaning of what you were trying to say.

Just thought I would point this out.

Also the descriptions seem to get a bit long and tedious. This is probably more due to my own preference.

Also if you have Microsoft Word or some other program similar, I suggest you run it through the Grammar check.

Thats all I have right now, not alot but thats mostly because of you! You really are a great writer and I envy you.