well I have not read the whole story, I kind of just skimmed parts of it. You do have a few minor mistakes. You do have some run-on sentences.
Like this one from the first paragraph.
Quote:
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Link dared not to look back, for he feared the deadly power of his pursuer upon him like the lurking shadow of a wanderer in the night, ever vigilant in his watch over his prey.
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Its one long sentence. Its a simple fix with either a semicolon or a period. Also the second part sounds confusing. This might just be me, but for some reason it just doesn't sound right.
Quote:
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Link dared not to look back. He feared the deadly power of his pursuer as it crept upon him like the lurking shadow of a wanderer in the night, ever vigilant in his watch over his prey.
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This might be a stronger and less confusing sentence. I think I got what you were trying to say, but something just didnt feel right. I also may have just changed the meaning of what you were trying to say.
Just thought I would point this out.
Also the descriptions seem to get a bit long and tedious. This is probably more due to my own preference.
Also if you have Microsoft Word or some other program similar, I suggest you run it through the Grammar check.
Thats all I have right now, not alot but thats mostly because of you! You really are a great writer and I envy you.