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Liquid Fire · #6 [ ] 05-08-2008, 08:15 PM

Posting some more mainly because Guy & Asia and demanding it xD

I kind of suck at conversation chapters, I'm planning to rewrite it later so keep it in mind its kinda draftish.

Anyways, some feedback on the story on the direction (which is what I'm focusing on at the moment, while I plan it) would be really helpful.

Quote:

Welcome; to the moment your world will never be the same Jay’s brain thought as they arrived at the graveyard. It surely wasn’t the best place to be thinking of starting the rest of your life. To Jay this was the fork in the road of his life, would Reece allow him to go down the road he hoped he could walk or would he be forced to walk the road alone. The feelings of fear and anticipation blending together within him; was causing horrible feelings, like he wanted to vomit. It could also be a symptom of never eating breakfast or anything in the mornings but Jay refused to think of that as a possible cause, it was the “butterflies”. The cutesy little explanation of when your stomach feels so odd and tingly. A child would believe that somehow small butterflies had got in and had started strutting their stuff in your stomach, without you even noticing.

“So.” Jay had finally got the courage to speak up from somewhere.

“Yes, so.” Mimicking the original conversation opener. During these moments of silence and tension; It seemed fitting for a tumbleweed to roll by just to set the mood, but it didn’t. Jay’s head was in overdrive all the things he could say swirling around, he had to pick one. Its the lottery except pick the wrong one and you could destroy your chances. Egg shells, Jay, Egg shells. Place your feet with care.

Reece for the first time of the day made eye contact. The piercing glare igniting fire within Jay’s heart that would probably soon turn him to ash. “I want to know how you know you are in love with me” Well Jay, could’ve been a worse opening question.

“Because I can feel you in my heart. When I’m around you I feel it, like heat, a fire. Its warm, fuzzy and its always there for you and you only.” He couldn’t of been more honest, he probably sounded like a total moron who had been taking notes from a marathon of Julia Roberts movies, but he couldn’t lie to Reece. That would only hurt Jay and Reece eventually when the lie came to light.

Reece blinked in reaction. “How do you know, its not something like cancer?” Welcome to the joke portion of this talk Jay, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

“This is serious, I know what I feel. It doesn’t feel like cancer, it feels like I’m lost in you and I can’t get out.” Honest words that were painful to say.

Silence. Reece wasn’t saying anything or doing anything. Just a blank canvas you couldn’t read any emotion from. Those pale blue eyes just staring into space, dealing with what had just been said.

“So your in love with me.” He acknowledged. But the tone, it wasn’t as if he was about to say anything similar.

“Yes, I am.” Reece exhaled. It seemed like another bad sign that he was trying to let Jay down gently. The mental preparations for receiving bad news had just begun its starting stages in Jay’s mind. More silence blanketed the two friends as their blunt talk died down to occasional glances at one another.

“Look. I just want to know where you stand on this.” He was going to add about how tortured he feels, but it seemed abit like he was over dramatizing the situation.

“With Joanna.” Jay’s head repeated paraphrased those words so he could process it. He stands with Joanna. Jay’s heart died, his eyes lowered and his chest sank. An overwhelming depression set in fast, that this was a “Can’t we just be friends” talk, nothing more. Although Jay seemed strong, reclusive and smart on the outside, no matter how mentally strong or smart you are. Love can still hurt you and this is a prime example.

“Oh…” The sadness was leaking his voice, as his eyes began to swell with water. He couldn’t cry right now, he’d happily curl up into the foetal position and cry until he’d spent all of his body’s tears but now, was defence mode. Up goes the wall, the great front that stops people looking in on what’s going on inside Jay’s head and heart.

Now with the almighty wall raised, more questions could start surfacing. “Do you love her?”

“Yes.” He spoke instantly, in a low tone. “I love her, I just want to make sure you know, She is my girlfriend, we’re in love. You’re my friend and that’s all you’ll ever be to me.”

Jay’s personalities were jumping into the driving seat for just a moment. Ok, there is letting you down, gently and then there is that. You had to give the boy some credit, he seemed to care. But he gave the impression he in the grey between caring and making sure the fag knew, this hetero was out of his league.

“I get it” Jay’s words were dry and quiet, his eyes not making contact as his head titled to the side as he tried to divert his attention from these painful moments to something else, he was surrounded by the dead and this wasn’t the place for a love to blossom.

Reece leant forward trying to get Jay’s attention so he could speak to him, not at him. Finally their eyes connected. Reece’s eyes were blue and full of care, not hate. “You’re my best friend, I don’t want this to come between us. This isn’t about you. I’m not gay. If I were I might feel different but I’m not, and that’s just how it turned out.” His words seemed honest, yet laced lightly with dishonesty.

This whole day, was happening because someone called Reece on his sexual habits. Maybe, Liam was lying, maybe, Reece was lying. He wouldn’t know, unless he asked. But the pain he was feeling inside was slowly beginning to grow, breathe, and start testing the limitations of this wall of emotional diversion. Cracks were emerging, soon holes would form and then the entire structure would come crashing down and Jay knew it was coming, he didn’t want Reece to see it, he just lost his heart, he could at least keep his dignity.

“You should go” Reece’s head peaked up from looking at the ground. A cross between confusion and concern was covering his face. “You’ve said what we came here to discuss, there’s no reason you should miss anymore class.”

“Jay, school just started twenty minutes ago. We’ve got another forty minutes before I go back” Jay’s eyes were glazing over with water once again, the walls were crumbling, being blasted apart as the pain inside him rippled and released wave after wave of heartache.

“I need to deal with this, and I can’t with you around me.”

“Why? How did you think today was going to end? You must of known there would be no sunset walk involved” His eyes were fixed, focused and harsh, which reflected in his tone of voice.

Jay’s head raised and their eyes met, his eyes began to sparkle and shimmer as sunlight hit the wobbling glaze of water over his deep green eyes.

“Oh” He’d just realized how Jay was hoping Reece felt the same. “I’m going to go then, will you be back for French?”

“Sure, why not.” Jay’s eyes froze open as he bit his bottom lip to try and distract himself from falling apart, there and then. Finally after getting the subtle hints Reece got up to head towards the fence that he’d mount to get back into school unnoticed. As soon as his back turned the first tear broke the zone and streamed down Jay’s face. He quickly got up and walked off in the other direction, towards the alleyway that would lead him to the main road that goes into town. Deep breathing soon appeared as he got onto the main road, more tears and heavy amounts of air being sucked in as his body coped with the crying that would only get more intense as the walk continued.

People passed, some even looked really concerned but no one bothered to stop him and ask what was wrong, being in the dark was safer rather than walking into the light and reaching out to someone who looks like they need help. This wasn’t at all surprising. This is the world of today. On his way Jay passed a river, he stopped for a moment and wondered how easily it would be; to fall into that water and be submerged and never have to deal with this again, let it wash away the pain of life and let it all be over.

How easy it would be, to just surrender yourself to the current and let your life slowly slip away into the waves of water, until all that remains is a shell of a pain long gone, a pain that is now cleansed in the water. All that would remain would be the body of a boy no one knew. Not even his parents. No one would understand, no one would know. It would just all have stopped and peace would eventually blanket him. Oh how easy it would be.

Within the moment it took for a short exhale. Jay found himself on the bridge, peering into the black water. It wasn’t clear. It wasn’t like paradise, it was emptiness and that is what he craved right now. Some place, where everything would just fade away. The small waves washed peacefully over one another, the darkness underneath the surface of the water was enthralling and drawing him in. Everyone would be better off without him; no one would notice if he were gone, no one would care. He would no longer be a burden on his friends, on his parents, on Reece, on anyone else who had to deal with him. Everyone would be free and Jay’s heart and mind would be at peace, how could he lose?

Time seemed to stand still, nothing seemed to move around him. The world just seemed dead, the only thing that had life was the pain that was slowing ripping apart everything Jay thought he was, piece by piece by piece.