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Originally Posted by Fluesopp
Chapter four: Tea Timeout
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Heh...That ammused me xD
Eye spy with my little eye a lack thereof punctuation.
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The man snapped his fingers and Aronin felt the force field dissolving, and fell down, tumbling down to the base floor.
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You get a little redundant here, get rid of the second "down", plzkthxbai.
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“Come on,” said the man with a sharp voice.* “That’s no way to behave. Sit down now,” he added, gesturing towards the chair. Aronin got slowly to his feet and sat down at the chair.
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Period should be a comma.
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“Now, what’s your name young boy?” The man took out a pipe from his coat along with a box of matches.* “Come on. Speak up!”
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see above.
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The man lit a match, igniting the content of the pipe and Aronin wrinkled his nose as the smell of tobacco reached him.
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The word 'and" here is awkward and uncomftrable, change it to "Causing Aronin to wrinkle his nose," or something like that.
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“I hope you realize what you have done? You interrupted a homeroom fight, breaking a combatant’s legs and causing great burns to another.*” Aronin was shocked. He had caused some slight damage, but the combatants were stabbing each other with swords! Why was that accepted?
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Comma, ^_^
Did you notice that you made the same constant Comma mistake? Go back and fix all of them you can find. Once you are done with that, AND done with the other corrections post here, or in the Homeroom and your next Assignment shall come.