04-08-2008, 07:10 AM
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Hello Ace!
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Location: Dancing with Sakume.
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Re: [Zorolo]Aronin Orino's Training
Mmkay, this is a very interesting opening to your thread, there are only a few problems: This first post is how your character arrives at the Dome. Also, you won't meet your teacher character until I figure out which character is best suited for teaching your character.
Also, I have no problem with Murray, who's actually very interesting. He can be Aronin's guide for a little while. You can keep him, since he's not more than a guide. Also, for text:
You wrote:
Quote:
...he could do if he wasn’t careful enough. And then he heard the voice.
“Fear ME!”
Aronin looked around, seeing no creature, and feeling no ghost or spectral beings.
“Fear ME! I am a mighty force! Do not underestimate my powers! Muahaha!”
He looked down, and saw a skull talking… Aronin first thought at all the laws of physics that had to be broken for a skull to be able to talk, but realized his own powers would also be a real brain teaser for the greatest scientists in the world, and shrugged it off.
“Who are you?” Aronin asked, politely. He was not shy and retired as was the case when he was conversing with humans, as this was not exactly a human.
“I am ‘Murray’! I am a powerful demonic force! I am the harbinger of your doom! And the forces of darkness will applaud me as I stride through the Gates of Hell – carrying your head on a pike!” Murray said, as his forehead moved up and down as he spoke, causing his teeth to rattle.
“Stride?” Aronin asked, slightly amused by this abnormal view.
“All right then, roll! Roll through the Gates of Hell!” Murray shouted, and added in a lighter voice: “Must you take the fun out of everything?”
“Ok, mister scary skull, but what are you doing here?”
“Killing innocent civilians.. Oh, whatever.. I lost my body to this dog, running away with my body, burying it in various places! And now I can’t go on causing terror on the worl- Wait! Hold… Stop it or I'll bite you!” Murray exclaimed as Aronin picked him up to take a close look.
“I’ll help you find your body”, Aronin lied to him. He felt where the dog had buried his bones, but thought that giving the skull his body would not be the best idea.
“Serious?” Murray asked. “Why, thanks. I guess I must repay my gratitude in some way, so I’ll guess I’ll make your death a easy and painless one, instead of a long and horrible one! Muahahaha!”
“Sure. Just stay put here, while I’ll check out this place some more”
“What else can I do? I’m a skull!” Murray sulked.
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Should be:
Quote:
... he could do if he wasn’t careful enough. And then he heard the voice.
“Fear ME!”
Aronin looked around, seeing no creature, and feeling no ghost or spectral beings.
“Fear ME! I am a mighty force! Do not underestimate my powers! Muahaha!”
He looked down, and saw a skull talking… Aronin first thought at all the laws of physics that had to be broken for a skull to be able to talk, but realized his own powers would also be a real brain teaser for the greatest scientists in the world, and shrugged it off.
“Who are you?” Aronin asked, politely. He was not shy and retired as was the case when he was conversing with humans, as this was not exactly a human.
“I am ‘Murray’! I am a powerful demonic force! I am the harbinger of your doom! And the forces of darkness will applaud me as I stride through the Gates of Hell – carrying your head on a pike!” Murray said, as his forehead moved up and down as he spoke, causing his teeth to rattle.
“Stride?” Aronin asked, slightly amused by this abnormal view.
“All right then, roll! Roll through the Gates of Hell!” Murray shouted, and added in a lighter voice: “Must you take the fun out of everything?”
“Ok, mister scary skull, but what are you doing here?”
“Killing innocent civilians.. Oh, whatever.. I lost my body to this dog, running away with my body, burying it in various places! And now I can’t go on causing terror on the worl- Wait! Hold… Stop it or I'll bite you!” Murray exclaimed as Aronin picked him up to take a close look.
“I’ll help you find your body”, Aronin lied to him. He felt where the dog had buried his bones, but thought that giving the skull his body would not be the best idea.
“Serious?” Murray asked. “Why, thanks. I guess I must repay my gratitude in some way, so I’ll guess I’ll make your death a easy and painless one, instead of a long and horrible one! Muahahaha!”
“Sure. Just stay put here, while I’ll check out this place some more”
“What else can I do? I’m a skull!” Murray sulked.
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Make sure you break up your dialogue with spaces between them, otherwise it looks like one giant paragraph. Okay, so a recap: remove the part where Aronin meets his teacher, since I'm still deciding on who should teach him, and fix up the other stuff. Again, Murray will be a good guide, methinks, so you can keep him. Also, make your post an adventure to the Dome. Finding Murray can be done elsewhere, but you're supposed to make your first post a journey to the Dome, not start at the Dome. That's all for now. Post here when you've made your corrections/edits.
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