Hello Student, Puck would like to welcome you to his class, as you are no doubt aware Puck is Super-Boss-Lady-Aiko-Chan's Favourite* TA. Puck hopes he is able to help you craft your art, and maybe learn a little bit himself.
*
Puck is not really Aiko's Favourite
Quote:
Originally Posted by Glass
“Hehe, just watch 'dem Klovans run”
|
First thing's first, you see how this is a sentence right? Well I do not
, because sentence's are ended by a punctuation mark. Such as a period. Go back to all your quotes and make sure they have proper punctuation. Yaaaay~
Quote:
|
The command was whispered from the mouth of Chief Blazer Ivan Thompson. Behind him, ten other Blazers prepared themselves for the inevitable skirmish. Ivan shoved his Blaze attachment into his SPEAR and waited for five seconds. The other soldiers did the same.
|
These two sentences are very short and choppy, taking a way from the flow of the paragraph. See if you can combine the two sentences, kay.
Quote:
|
“NOW!” Ivan roared,* as he charged into the enemy encampment from behind. The other Blazers came in behind him, their guns, well, blazing.
|
*That comma should not be there.
Quote:
|
The Blazers worked their was to the mortar cannons. The cannons were six hundred feet long, and eight hundred feet tall. They could rip through anything, and they were the reason the UNKD could not advance until now. The Blaze Squad ran through the enemy encampment, fires going off all around them, gunshots heading in their direction. Their GUARDs mostly protected them, although, like Kevlar, it still left a few bruises.
|
Eight hundred feet tall O-o....Seriously, that is HUGE!
Also this sentence has way to many commas....
Quote:
“Sir!”
The old general looked up from a map of the area.
“The Klovans have started to fight back! Their making their way to our mortars! Decision?”
The general thought for a moment, then replied.
“Bring out the hostages”
|
This part is confusing, I cannot tell who is talking.
Quote:
|
Ivan swiveled around to get a better look. He gasped. Twenty Klovans, by the look of them, civilians, all crowded around a mass of metal.
|
To many commas, the middle one should not be there.
Quote:
|
The AI started up Ivan's suit zoom.
|
A really boring sentence...
Quote:
“Crap. The metal's a bomb!”
He zoomed in further.
|
This should be written like this,
"Crap. The metal's a bomb!” He zoomed in further.
Quote:
“Two minutes. But the countdown hasn't started.”
A voice suddenly sprang out of nowhere, amplified from some sort of speaker.
“Klovans. We have here twenty of your kind. Surrender, and we won't...ah...for lack of a better term slaughter them all. We have a timed explosive, and although the explosion will be small, it'll start a chain reaction with the mortars, blowing us all up! We will be victorious in heaven, while you will be smoldering in hell! You have thirty seconds to surrender before we start the timer.”
|
SOMEONE SET US UP THE BOMB!...Sorry, I couldn't help myself xD
Quote:
The voice cut out. The Blaze Squad just stood there, frozen in place. Ivan was the first to react.
“Ok men, we have to rescue those hostages.”
|
Since Ivan is the person talking the Quotation should be directly after the description, not in a paragrah all of it's own.
Quote:
Ivan crouched low and made his way over to the bomb site.
PLINK!
A shot went right over Ivan's head.
|
Ivan this, Ivan that, whatI would like you to do is use different descriptive words to describe this Ivan character. When I write with Tsuukai(who will be your teacher) I often will call him things such as "The Purple haired Fencer," or the "Black Eyed Stranger," or something along those lines to spice things up, ya know?
Quote:
Another bites the dust. Kade looked over at the bomb site. The general was crouched over the bomb, starting the timer.
Ivan and most of the Blaze Squad entered the small clearing in the center of the ring of mortars. Immediately, bullets started firing over their heads. The Blaze Squad started to fire back. Ivan glanced over at the bomb.
|
Quote:
|
The Blaze Squad surrounded Ivan as he worked, keeping off the enemy. As Ivan freed the last hostage,* Charlotte shouted in his helmet.
|
Puck senses...Incorrect comma usage.
Quote:
|
Ivan looked over. He suddenly realized the trick. The bomb was programmed to speed up as soon as it reached sixty seconds. There was two seconds left.
|
...What? That doesn't make much sense at all xD
Quote:
|
Ivan woke up and finished the scream he had started when the bomb went off. He looked around. He was flouting in what looked like space. He was glad he had his GUARD, which let him breath out in the black nothingness.
|
Hmmm...you seem to have a problem with sentence structure. I'll keep that in mind when I assign reading.
Quote:
“Why are we in space, Charlotte?”
“The explosion had some sort of weird reaction to the LEECH, propelling us out here. I'm glad you were wearing the GUARD, or else you would have died.”
|
You already mentioned that him wearing his "GUARD" kept him alive, so why mention it again?
Quote:
|
Ivan's finger accidentally pressed the button to release the captured energy.
|
Good ob Ivan, now look what you've done. Tsk tsk. [/Joking around]
Quote:
|
An explosion rocketed out of the LEECH, thankfully in the opposite direction of Ivan. Ivan was propelled through space by the explosion. The trouble was, a planet was right in his path. At least it wasn't a star, right? Ivan crashed through the atmosphere, and blacked out again.
|
Errr...You don't know much about the physcis of an explosion do you? Or the pressure of a atmosphere either? No matter, luckily 'Tis fiction.
Quote:
|
Ivan woke up in a daze. He was lying in a weird flower like...thing.
|
Elipses, while fun, are very unprofessional.
Woooo~Hoooo~ I'm finally done. Sorry fo taking so long. Well Fix those mistakes, and post in here once you do. Meanwhile you should know that Puck will give you a reading assigment after ever time he grades your post. Puck beleives that in order to become a good writer one must read as much as they write, the pourpose of these Reading Assigments is for you to study sentence structre, and description from A class writers, hopefully you'll pick stuff up and become better yourself. While Puck will have no way to know if you will actually read them, he thinks you should as it is an important part of his teaching method. Understood? Good, your first reading assigment is
Between Darkness and Light, I would like you to read the first fifteen posts, keeping in mind sentence structure, and style.
Thank you have a nice day.
~Puck, the TA~