Originally Posted by Selah

I must say, the last paragraph of the first installment - Gerard speaking into his communication device - send chills down my spine. Silly, I'm sure, but it reminded me of how The Stars and Their Silence begins: a man who history will remember as an evil person, recording his story. And Gerard, in the silence of his ship, and in the silence of space, seems to be inadvertently emulating this man - recording his story, though it is a story not even he knows, and is at the present moment not even a story, but an update.

But I'm probably drawing parallels and seeing ghosts where neither parallels nor ghosts exist, so do forgive me, =)

Speaking of Gerard - I want to see more of him, get a better sense of his character. There were a few instances in installment(s) one (and two?) that could have been expanded for the sake of character development. Instance #1 occurs when we first meet Gerard, and know him only as the explorer:



But what kind of clothing and gear makes a person a space researcher indistinguishable, in appearance, from his fellows? I am but a fledgling in this universe, the world sitting in the palm of your hand - I haven't a clue what clothes makes a researcher. Educate me. Give me detail. Paint me a picture. Perhaps you paint Gerard's appearance not as "character standing still and narrator describing", but as "character moving, narrator commenting" - his boots shuffling through the debris; a latch catching the [insert material] of his sleeve; a piece of metal swinging lazily from the ceiling, scraping the cheek of his helmet, making him flinch.

Later on, you describe Gerard's face. While I like "eyes with a jade green color, and pale, white skin", his appearance is still somewhat generic. Expand on the detail - what is the cut and length of his hair? Its texture? Does his eyes hold some expression? Does their jade seem to glint, or lie dull and muddy? Are his eyes wide? Hooded? Does his eyebrows slope gently, or arch, reminiscent of a falcon's sharp look? Is his skin blemished? Smooth?

Even better, ask yourself what you want to tell readers about Gerard - not just his appearance, but his personality. What do you want to say about him? What kind of man is he? What is his personality, his mood, his tastes, his virtues, his sins? Do these personal touches leave marks, or is he as blank and expressionless as an untouched chalkboard? In the last paragraph, I espoused a thorough description of the explorer - a passable approach, but no where near as powerful as showing readers one or two particular traits in Gerard's appearance, traits that characterize him as an individual, traits that give readers a glimpse into him as a character.

My last point comes from your second post:



Now, it may be your object to reveal Gerard's theories later on, and the reason why you only divulge, in this passage, the conclusions to which Gerard comes. But if this wasn't your goal, I would suggest expanding this passage by revealing Gerard's theories here and now. Why does Gerard believe his speculations to be correct? Why does he convince himself that the abandoned stations may have more to yield unto his research? The passage feels lacking - readers are told that Gerard has come to his conclusions, but we aren't shown his reasons for developing those conclusions. Such revelation would strengthen Gerard as a character.

My favourite part of this story, so far, is the recording. It was an excellent starting point, eerie, and I hope to see more of it.

Until then!
Selah