Change of plan, kiddo! I'm teaching you now, with Timaeus (Link in sig (My Hallucinations)). Be sure to read his profile, or I'll tear your guts out and use them as a hood ornament for the car that I don't have (but will build from your broken and crushed bones if you disobey me). Niceties aside, let us get to the teaching:
I've put a number at the start of every paragraph, and will, below, address them in order.
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Fatalis
1. Fatalis crossed the threshold of the Dome and closed the door behind him. The smooth, steady, almost automatic motion of the door returning to a closed position suggested some influence on it‘s movement other than just Fatalis’ hand, some kind of benign magical enchantment or technology perhaps. Without being quite sure why, this made Fatalis feel very uneasy, and he instinctively reached for the hilt of his sword, it’s familiar feel calming him to a degree. He drew Nihil in his left hand and began to scan his surroundings.
2. The Dome was an impressive construction, but was something of an ambiguity to Fatalis. It’s walls seemed to surround everything in sight; it was almost as if everything within the walls was in touching distance while nonetheless stretching to an artificial horizon. Fatalis felt as if he lacked the focus to properly define what his eyes were seeing. Fatalis began to walk in a direction he automatically knew to be ‘the right way’, on an almost instinctive level. In the distance, he saw a desk and a veiled figure sitting behind it and this encouraged him slightly.
3. “This just has to be the right way, I’ll ask whoever is at that desk for directions,” Fatalis grunted, though directions to quite what, he wasn’t sure.
4. As he walked towards the desk in the distance, he noticed he didn’t seem to be making any progress, almost as if he were walking on the spot. Indeed, he was getting tired from walking and the distance seemed longer by the step. Fatalis stopped and, deep in concentration, he closed his eyes. Keeping the image of the desk in his mind, he began to run, eyes still closed, towards where he estimated the desk was. Leaping into the air, he aimed to land directly in front of the desk. As he travelled through the air, his stomach seemed to drop out from beneath him, and he crashed into the floor, rolling forwards before coming to stop in a heap.
5. His mind felt fuzzy when he regained consciousness, the force of the impact having scrambled his brain a tad. Opening his eyes, he found himself not lying on the floor as he would have imagined, but rather standing up, as unblemished as before he slammed into the floor.
6. The receptionist coughed politely, before addressing Fatalis.
“Greetings young man, if you wouldn’t mind taking a seat, Heishuro Maruchi will be with you in a moment,” she explained, her eyes lacking any emotion and her voice monotonous. Fatalis didn’t reply, but rather nodded in recognition before seating himself on one of many deep, comfortable chairs and relaxing, his eyes closed.
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1. "some kind of benign magical enchantment or technology perhaps." Should be changed to "
perhaps some kind of benign magical enchantment or technology." or "some kind of benign magical enchantment or technology
, perhaps.". I would suggest the former, as you seem to like using commas
, like me, in places that they're not always required.
Unneeded comma!: "Without being quite sure why, this made Fatalis feel very uneasy
, and he instinctively reached for the hilt of his sword, it’s familiar feel calming him to a degree.". You could also change the end of the sentence to "and he instinctively reached for the hilt of his sword whose familiar feel calmed him to a degree." to balance out the commas in this paragraph.
2. If you want to, you can change the "but" in the first sentence to "yet" or "yet it"; "Buts" are inferior in my opinion, and generally block the flow of writing. This is, however, completely up to you.
In the second clause of the second sentence, I would like you to get rid of "nonetheless", because it looks icky and out of place. That is not the place to use that word.
"Fatalis began to walk in a direction he automatically knew to be ‘the right way’, on an almost instinctive level." Should be "Fatalis began to walk in a direction he automatically knew to be ‘the right way’ - almost on an instinctive level.". This helps the flow of the sentence.
3. Nothing wrong here.
4. The first sentence is a bit long, so feel free to fiddle with it.
"Fatalis stopped and, deep in concentration,
he closed his eyes.". Lose the "
he".
OR change it to
"Fatalis stopped and
closed his eyes in deep concentration." <- I would suggest this, because it removes commas, which will balance out the rest of the paragraph (which is composed of long sentences littered with commas aplenty).
"Keeping the image of the desk in his mind, he began to run, eyes still closed, towards where he estimated the desk was." CAN be "Keeping the image of the desk in his mind, he began to run - eyes still closed - towards where he estimated the desk was." if you so wish.
"Leaping into the air, he aimed to land directly in front of the desk." CAN be "He aimed to land directly in front of the desk and lept into the air.". I would highly suggest this, though. HIGHLY.
Change "As he travelled through the air, his stomach seemed to drop out from beneath him, and he crashed into the floor, rolling forwards before coming to stop in a heap." to "As he travelled through the air, his stomach seemed to drop out from beneath him, he crashed into the floor and rolled forwards before coming to stop in a heap."
5. Feel free to change what you wish here, but personally, I find nothing wrong with it.
6. Change "The receptionist coughed politely, before addressing Fatalis.
“Greetings young man, if you wouldn’t mind taking a seat, Heishuro Maruchi will be with you in a moment,” she explained, her eyes lacking any emotion and her voice monotonous. Fatalis didn’t reply, but rather nodded in recognition before seating himself on one of many deep, comfortable chairs and relaxing, his eyes closed." to "The receptionist coughed politely before addressing Fatalis. “Greetings, young man. If you wouldn’t mind taking a seat, Heishuro Maruchi will be with you in a moment,” she explained, her voice monotonous and her eyes lacking any emotion.
Fatalis didn’t reply, but rather nodded in recognition before seating himself on one of many deep, comfortable chairs and relaxing, his eyes closed.".
You also failed to meet the assignment's margins: You finished without having Fatalis' name shouted.
Edit the post as guided (and feel free to argue about what I have said: arguing is
GOOD!) and get going with my assignment.
Assignment: Timaeus arrives,
IC: "Change of plan, kiddo!"
OoC: and instructs Fatalis to "follow the shrouded raven". Timaeus leaves.
Have Fatalis try and work out the riddle. He will end up following someone. End the post outside a plain, white, handle-less door. On it, the name
timaeus is etched.
Word minimum:
431.