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Old 03-22-2008, 01:45 PM
Altamira Altamira is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Maryland
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Re: [Altamira] Walfrid's Training

Here we go:

An issue with clauses here:
Quote:
Walfrid examined his surroundings, he was surprised at how far he had travelled in one short day.
Here, you have two independent clauses stuck together without proper punctuation or other connectors. An independent clause is a clause (whole or part of a sentence) that can stand alone as a full sentence, like, "My name is Aiko." I'd suggest that in this situation, you just split the two pieces up so that it reads as:
Quote:
Walfrid examined his surroundings. He was surprised at how far he had travelled in one short day.
One other small issue here is the misspelling--the underlined word should be spelled as "traveled", with one "l". ;] You make a similar mistake a few times later on, so search for those and fix them as well.

A run-on sentence here:
Quote:
A strange woman outside of the inn had tried to sell him a horse but he had refused, he always travelled on his own, he didn’t even trust an innocent horse to travel with him, he felt that it would let him down somehow, the only person he could trust was himself.
You have a lot of independent clauses stuck together here without proper connections. Don't try to stick together too many ideas into one sentence--you're bound to get run-ons that way. ^^;; If you're not sure if a sentence is becoming a run-on, read it aloud and check for yourself that way. If it sounds too wordy (remember you only take a brief pause at commas, but a whole stop at periods), then it's probably a run-on.

I'd split up the sentence like this:
Quote:
A strange woman outside of the inn had tried to sell him a horse but he had refused--he always traveled on his own. He didn’t even trust an innocent horse to travel with him, because, well...he felt that it would let him down somehow. The only person he could trust was himself.
If you have any questions at all about why I made any of the changes I made, let me know. You don't have to use my changes for this either when you make your edits--just do whatever you think works best.

Quote:
He heard birds singing softly in the distance and he stopped and listened for a few moments, he had learned to appreciate the small things in life, as he hadn’t had much to appreciate since his Father died.
Here you have some more errors similar to the first two that I've already pointed out. Try to apply what I've told you about the clauses and run-ons and see what you're able to fix on your own. I'll step in afterwards to check. Also--don't hesitate to ask any questions you may have while trying to do this. I'm here to help.

We'll pause here and see how well you can grasp what I've told you so far. Once you've finished making the edits I've asked for, post here or PM me and we'll continue on with your evaluation. ^___^
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