Hey Adam, I'll be checking your assignments for a wee bit. ^__^
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The seemingly phantasmic scene was interrupted when a stout, black-clad man materialised before Timaeus. It spoke gruffly and without any last-minute hesitation. “Timaeus Daenmat. Follow me.” The thing walked forward in a slow, precise and robotic kind of waddle. It pushed Timaeus aside as it moved into the hallway. Timaeus followed.
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Some paragraphing needs to be done here, and depending on how you want it to come off, I'll give you that decision.
Either:
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The seemingly phantasmic scene was interrupted when a stout, black-clad man materialised before Timaeus.
It spoke gruffly and without any last-minute hesitation. “Timaeus Daenmat. Follow me.”
The thing walked forward in a slow, precise and robotic kind of waddle. It pushed Timaeus aside as it moved into the hallway. Timaeus followed.
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The speech needs a little revamp, too. Instead of the period before 'Timaeus', I'd have a comma. :3
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“...Okay...” Said Timaeus, wondering what he was he for.
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'Said', should be 'said'.
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Timaeus took in the words as best he could, and he listened intently, even after the Domerii had spoken.
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The bolded part confuses the sentence slightly, and would read more fluidly as, "Timaeus took in the words as best he could, and was listening intently, even after the Domerii had spoken."
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Timaeus’s thoughts flew about his head, echoing and repeating and circling.
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I realise you may have been after a particular effect here, but it just doesn't work. Stick to, "echoing, repeating and circling."
Timaeus's should be Timaeus', too.
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His grip on Jeika tightened, and steeled himself for what he now knew to be the inevitable.
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There are many things you could do with this sentence, and all of them would reprieve it.
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His grip on Jeika tightened, and he steeled himself for what he now knew to be the inevitable.
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His grip on Jeika tightened as he steeled himself for what he now knew to be the inevitable.
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His grip on Jeika tightened; he steeled himself for what he now knew to be the inevitable.
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As it stood, it sounded like the grip was steeling itself, not Timaeus steeling himself. I don't quite know
how you wanted that portrayed, hence the choice. I recommend the second sentence, if you're along the same brainwave as I.
“Timaeus, you will be here for a long time.
Maybe the rest of your life,” the Domerii paused for a moment.
Bolded should be: Maybe the rest of your life.” The Domerii paused for a moment.
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“Timaeus, you will be here for a long time. Maybe the rest of your life,” the Domerii paused for a moment, shielding its grin from the unwary warrior behind him, and continued for maximum impact, “however long it may last.” The Domerii chuckled silently, but Timaeus saw its figure tremble in that grim and cheery way.
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The bolded part should be: and continued for maximum impact. "However long it may last." The new speech does not directly join onto the previous speech, therefore it is a period with a capital letter.
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He now realised that though he was immortal, he was not invincible, and one day, sooner or later, he would die.
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Immortality, by definition, is, "eternal life". Eluding death without fail. Anyone who is immortal cannot die, by all means of the word. I haven't read Timaeus' profile, though.
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The Demon sat down and grabbed his face in his hands, shielding his body from the world outside with his wings, which trembled slowly as he sobbed into his fingers. With red eyes, he looked at the floor that he had huddled close to. It was pale and emotionless, devoid of all but substance. His mind reeled with angst. “Damn it all,” he muttered, his breath having no cheer or merry left in it. There was no solace here, in this cataclysm of realities. It was a painless hell.
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Should be:
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The Demon sat down and grabbed his face in his hands, shielding his body from the world outside with his wings, which trembled slowly as he sobbed into his fingers. With red eyes, he looked at the floor that he had huddled close to. It was pale and emotionless, devoid of all but substance. His mind reeled with angst.
“Damn it all,” he muttered, his breath having no cheer or merry left in it. There was no solace here, in this cataclysm of realities. It was a painless hell.
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He waded through the crowd in which he was sure of drowning in.
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This is a metaphor, but is used in a factual sentence. If he was sure he was going to drown in it, it should be: "He waded through the crowd in which he was sure he would drown in."
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Something was amiss here, something that had been stolen away with no way of return. And whatever it was that was lost,
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"And" is unnecessary. <3
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He shuffled back, and looked at the door at his front.
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The comma isn't needed. ^^
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Timaeus fell into the room, and recomposed himself.
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Again, the comma isn't needed. :3
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He reached towards it, and grabbed hold of it, allowing his shield to fall to the floor with a delicate clang.
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The first comma isn't needed. x3
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And Timaeus went mad. Right then.
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Try to avoid starting sentences with 'And'. It isn't needed here, you can start with 'Timaeus'.
I have one other query before I get to your assignment...
You seem to be a little bit of a comma whore. You should try and mix it up (dashes, semi-colons, colons... etc.)
Fix all that up then you can work on your assignment. ^__^
Assignment: Have Heishuro come to Timaeus' room, and have them talk about the Dome. Then have Maruchi take Timaeus to a room, and end the post there. Do whateevr you like with this, but read Heishuro's profile first or I'll kill you.
Have fun. ^__^