No worries, you weren't slow at all. I'm usually slower anyhow. ^^;;
Let's begin:
A bit of wordiness here:
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He pointed it lazily to a radio on his shelf mounted to the wall above his dresser on the far right of the bedroom entrance, and fell to his bed face down into his pillow as heavy metal played in the background.
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There's nothing technically wrong with this--and it's good that you're trying to go into description. But, honestly, the part I've bolded weighs things down--it's more than needed at this point in the post (unless the location of the radio is going to be
extremely important later on) and things would flow better without quite so many words. Read it aloud--doesn't it seem to drag on a bit to you? I'd suggest cutting out the description altogether, or simply rephrasing it as:
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He pointed it lazily to a radio on a shelf by the bedroom entrance, and fell to his bed face down into his pillow as heavy metal played in the background.
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An issue with verb tense here:
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Well, it was 10:00 pm, and a lot has happened since his return to the W.P.F. Headquarters regardless of his bordom.
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"To have" is a confusing verb with many forms. It's a helping verb...and that's where most of the trouble starts. How to use it? What form does this situation call for? Those are questions that throw off a lot of people.
In this situation, you're writing in
third-person past tense, but the form you've used, "has", is the
third-person present tense form of "to have". Look: "Johnny has a basketball." When does Johnny have the basketball? Right
now, at this moment.
You instead need to use "had" in this situation--the past tense form of "to have". "Johnny had a basketball." When did he have it? In the past. That's the verb tense that fits with your sentence. Switch the "has" to "had" and everything will be perfect (save for the minor typo with missing the "e" in "boredom", as I've underlined for you. ;P)
Minor error here:
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Afterall, they all could control a certain element well and skillfully wield specially designed weapons that were all made by highly advanced technological means.
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"After all" is two words--be careful with typos and things like this. I have a tendency to combine words too when I'm in doubt (like how I tend to write "home front" as "homefront". It's mostly the effect of speaking other languages, for me. ^^;; ) Skim through the rest of your post to check for other typos, because I notice at least one more later on.
Just a stylistic thing I'd like to make a suggestion on here:
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He was also given a ship as instructed by General Dom Quarren, before his "strange" disappearance. The ship was an elliptical-shaped, silver-plated hull whose front was pointed straight outward. Three long, triangular-shaped protrusions, evenly spaced out from each other, extended out from the back outward at an angle, sharply turning towards the front. Each one extended to twice the length of the ship, bending inward about a quarter of the way at each pointed end. It was a beauty to any pilot's eye, already gaining the recognition by the team's pilot, but Spearhead had no care for the appearance of the ship, but only its versatility. The ship contains multiple turrets on the outside of the long front, heat-seeking missile launchers accompanying the turrets, and their main weapon - a particle beam cannon that is shot from the three prong-like front, whose energy is collected from the sun. The ship appeared to be very useful in any battle conditions, but it was only a matter of time that the team leader could put the ship to good use in a fight.
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First, let me say that this whole description was very well written--you've certainly got me beat in any technical description of
anything. @___@
But the one thing I'd like to suggest, just to help people like me get a better image of this ship in their heads, is that you use a couple of similes/metaphors to compare the ship or parts of the ship to something we can visualize. Maybe the straight front looks like the beak of a heron (a type of bird.) Or maybe the thing as a whole looks like a swordfish made of metal with a shorter bill. Something that can help us pull together all these bits and pieces into a coherent whole. You don't have to follow this suggestion, but it's just something I wanted to put out there as an idea. If you have any questions about this, let me know. ;]
...And that's all for errors--awesome job! I especially liked the message from the Dome (the warning made me laugh XD), and the fact that you gave some detail to Spearhead's world and life. Details like that make him a stronger character--more realistic, more unique, and more relatable and believable. He's not just another swordsman or vampire or whatever--he has a presence and a history. Great work. :]
I've decided that I'll be teaching you with my character Cadenza Madrigal, since you clearly have the fundamentals of writing down and can focus on more advanced issues. Once you've made the edits I've asked for in this post, let me know by PMing me or posting in my homeroom and I'll give you your next lesson.