
03-15-2008, 07:25 AM
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marthie marth marth <3
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Location: Ensconced in a library
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Re: (Sf/Act/Hor/Tra) Forgotten (M)
I edited my last comment, now that I'm on a home computer. Several points I mentioned there, such as run-ons and dialogue, apply to this chapter as well.
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Well, this story certainly is growing interesting. I'm really liking the events that are occurring; you have a good sense of heightening the plot and getting to the core of the action.
- Be careful about switching between tenses, from "Swan personally called" to "Robert is".
- Watch too for changes in POV outside of dialogue. You changed occasionally from third person ("the other scientists had warned him not back chat Swan") to second person ("you face losing your job"). The change is a bit ungainly. Put sentences such as "you face losing your job" is dialogue, or else put it in the third person.
- Rather than leaping from the story to inform readers of the change in time, tell readers of that change within the story: "Two hours later, Robert was sipping his fourth coffee…"
- I find myself most curious… has anyone ever picked up on Henry Swan's tendency to kill those who question his sanity?
Quote:
"EVERYONE STOP, STO.... HENRY WHAT ARE YOU AHHHHH!!!"The speaker fell silent.
"PLEASE CONTINUE"
There was crimson blood sprayed all over the small chamber, John’s corpse was sprawled over the floor and Henry was holding the handgun that took John’s life.
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The passage is confusing, as the reader is forced to rearrange events, which were presented backward (Screaming; speaker falls silent; call to continue; oh, John was just shot a few lines ago.) Present events in the sequence in which they occurred:
Quote:
"EVERYONE STOP, STO.... HENRY—"
Henry drew a handgun from his jacket and John turned on him in horror.
"HENRY, WHAT ARE YOU—?"
Henry fired, and John screamed.
Crimson blood sprayed all over the small chamber and John’s corpse fell to the floor. Henry lowered the gun and snapped around to face the others in the room.
"PLEASE CONTINUE," Henry boomed.
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See my last review for combining dialogue and non-dialogue.
- Intriguing developments, without a doubt. But everything happened so quickly! I would have liked to see a bit more detail on how this all came about… the detail you included was too general, and it was difficult for me to suspend belief. And rather than telling readers that "two minutes later, it all went wrong", show readers how the experiment went wrong through the reactions of characters and that which went sour. You actually do show readers, but removing "two minutes later…" will increase the impact of the effect:
Quote:
Henry watched the blood splattered window as the experiment commenced Describe how the experiment commences. Just a few details. But show readers events at this point.
Suddenly, the electricity beam turned scarlet and a rift ripped open in the middle of the room. Henry's cry of horror filled the room.
"What’s happening?" he gasped. "It’s not meant to be like this."
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Quote:
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The rift glowed and figures jumped out of it, the lights blew and everything went offline. The scientist’s screams were cut short as mini rifts opened all over the station.
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Oh come, come. Make this part BIG – SHOW readers that Henry's opened a portal to hell, don't tell us! It ruins the fun of using our imagination, xD Describe the figures leaping from the rift, the rifts popping up all over the place. Have fun with this part – make it great, make it fantastic! Exaggerate, be ridiculous, cram it with detail. Write this scene so that it delivers the punch a portal into hell should.
=D
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