Quote:
Originally Posted by link14
What you made me into.
Hardly breathing, b/c you took it away
Tears running down my face, I've never felt this way
Not in a while, not in forever have I felt like this
With my luck, most of the time I hit or miss....
Shaking so much, I can hardly type
You took my breath away with your words tonight.
Not only words do you use, but also your
Beauty. I dont have to worry, no not anymore
Of trying to find that one person to love
God has brought her to me, and you are beloved.
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This one is much more personal, like probably wouldn't get published but it is definately "real". I see that you enjoy toying with the rhyme scheme and splitting up sentences to fit the rhyme. that's fun, isn't it? half the fun of poetry is toying around with the rhymes and patterns. I do think it's a bit... I don't know how to explain... it uses a lot of modern language.. I mean, you usually don't hear about typing and stuff in a poem... It's just hard to read a poem and be "moved" at the thought of having your breath taken away just while simply im-ing or whatever (although it's surely just a sign of my age
)
also one other small thing- "Hardly breathing, b/c you took it away" would sound better if it were worded a bit differently, like, "barely breathing, since you took my breath away" or something. just saying "you took
it away" doesn't make a lot of sense cuz you didn't establish what "it" was. but now I'm just nit-picking. the line was clever, just could have been executed better...
Quote:
Originally Posted by link14
MOVING ON-
Though you know.
Though you know, I can not express enough
My feelings for you, and what you do
To me. Before this time, life was a lil rough
But now with you, my fears are subdue.
I thought that I would be the gallant knight
Coming to rescue the damsel in distress
I saw you waiting, and waiting, you were in sight
But alas, irony had its day, and you rescued me instead.
Shining so bright, your incandescent face
I look for you when I'm lost in the dark.
Slowly but steady I try to keep the pace
I strive for you, you are the mark.
Blinded by your magnificence, you have stricken me dead
I can't help but to express what I have felt.
I will never forget what you said
That day was astounding, I'm glad that fate finally dealt.
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Now I like this poem much better. especially the highlighted verse!! it really made my brain perk up when i read it. very clever.
you're on the right path! just keep playing around and READ a lot because it'll broaden and strengthen your vocabulary.
great job. and I'm glad she really likes them
*awwwww*