One of the greatest things that needs to be worked on is your paragraphs and how you write the "talking text" [ the stuff between the quotation marks ( "..." ) ]. Generally it is better to have whatever one character is saying start the paragraph, no matter how long it is, then have non-speaking text [ the actions, he/she said, etc ], then any extra "talking text" after that. If you group the "spoken" words in with a paragraph, along with what another character is saying, it gets confusing to who is saying what.

Also watch your spelling and punctuation -- don't forget to capitalize the 'I's' when it's a stand-alone letter and the first word of every sentence. There were a few 'I's' that were not capitalized here and there and several other words that started a new sentence.

You may want to also think about adding any extra description that'll give your readers the imagination of what characters look like and visualize what the chapter events look like through their minds.

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