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Old 02-26-2008, 06:04 PM
linkzetonx linkzetonx is a male United Kingdom linkzetonx is offline
The Beast Whom Resides in Link's Hat
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: UK
View Posts: 108
Re: The Spirit of the Forest

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaiser View Post
A cold wind blew as the boy ran through the forest, constantly looking over his shoulder in case of pursuers. The wind waved his auburn hair over his dark orange half-split fox-like ears. He soon approached a small spring surrounded by large rocks and shrubs. He sat down in front of the spring, putting his dagger in a tree stump beside him, and he cupped his hands for a drink.

As he finished a second swallow he turned to the stump and began to carve letters in. Then, a howl came from the distance.
Dude, that was really good.

Try to say EVERYTHING he does. Some authors don't, but I think it's always better to let us know everything. You put he cupped his hands. Then he swallowed. Think about that wonderful description that you could have put, as he felt the glorious water touch his mouth, and restore him. You could even have made it into a couple of paragraphs... using.....

TonX Sentence to Paragraph xD

You said you could do with more unrushed starts? Easy way; make them longer. Okay this is a prologue so it shouldn't have a giant start, but an easy way to make a sentence into a paragraph is...

Write the sentence as you would.
A darkness was covering the school field. Light was put out.

Look it over and add description about the central words.
An inevitable darkness was slowly covering the vast school field. Even tiny glints of light were put out.

Change words that you think would fit better with the sentence.
An inevitable blanket of darkness was slowly emerging from the skies, onto the vast school field. Even tiny specks of light, or life were diminished.

Check if you could add any figurative language [similes/metaphors/etc..]
An inevitable blanket of darkness, as black as the dark matter beyond our world, was slowly emerging from the lightning-plagued skies, onto the vast school field. Even tiny specks of light the size of dust were diminished as the blanked complted its domination.

Read it over and make sure it sounds right. See if there are any synonyms that you could change 'basic' words from, into more explanatory words. Check for typos, correct tenses and plurals, and correct apostrophes etc..

An inevitable blanket of darkness, as black as the dark matter beyond our world, was slowly emerging from the lightning-plagued skies, onto the vast school field. Even tiny specks of light the size of dust were diminished as the blanket completed its domination of the field.

There you go. A sentence to a paragraph. Tonx Style Hope it helps. Do an example for me, so I know whether you understand
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Last Edited by linkzetonx; 02-26-2008 at 06:09 PM. Reason: More Help Reply With Quote
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