Hello, my name is Zorolo and I am your teacher. It's good to meet you, and now my goal is to show you some things and try to help you correct them. Also, eventually you'll be taught by Zorlo, and possibly Zachary, both of which are located in the single link in my sig. (Characters 1 and 2 in there.) Now then, time for the corrections:
You wrote:
Quote:
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Saw grass swayed with the breeze, while cattails hid the water from her sight.
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Should be:
Quote:
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She (Wisp) saw the grass sway in the breeze while cattails hid in the water from her sight.
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Two things here. Who saw what? Also, the double past tense of verbs makes this sentence sound strange. I lied, three things: The third is that the comma there you don't need. I'll gather a group of parts like that and explain why later.
Next, for quotes (since this is an easy things), you don't need quotation marks to start it off. All you need for thoughts is italics to show that you're either emphasizing something or your character is thinking.
Third:
Quote:
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Looking down at her shirt, same color as her bandana, noticed pale flecks of dried mud dotting it.
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Should be:
Quote:
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Looking down at her shirt, which was the same color as her bandana, she noticed pale flecks of dried mud dotting it.
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Again, you lack a noun to tell me who/what is looking at what that person is looking at. Just simple stuff to keep in mind. ^_^
Forth:
Quote:
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She came upon a rotten, hollow log, which spanned ten feet of the river. Wisp knew it was hollow, due to the empty sound it made when she whacked her foot against it. The log led to another dry patch of ground, which had a worn path leading from it.
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Should be:
Quote:
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She came upon a rotten, hollow log which spanned ten feet of the river. Wisp knew it was hollow from/because of the empt sound it made when she whacked her foot against it. The log led to another dry patch of ground which had a worn path leading from it.
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For this one, I'm going to go over the comma thing I mentioned earlier: When using words like which, and, or, but, so, and other conjunction verbs, you don't always need a comma before it. The best way to tell when you need a comma is to say it out loud and see where you take a break in your reading to see if a comma should be there, since a comma indicates breaks in thought. Also, try not to combine sentences with due because it just sounds strange normally. There are times it works, but from or because tend to flow better.
Fifth:
Quote:
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She gauged that the log might not hold her, due to the middle of the log dipped into the water.
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Should be:
Quote:
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She gauged that the log might not hold her due to the middle of the log dipping into the water.
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In this case, due
can work, but you don't need a comma before it. Also, again, you the log is dipped into the water by someone, it is dipping. In this case, the log isn't being acted upon, it's passively acting. Another thing that should be read aloud to test how it sounds.
Sixth:
Quote:
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Wisp was out in the open, and worried about transforming if there were people nearby.
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Should be:
Quote:
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Wisp was out in the open, but worried about transforming if there were people nearby who may see her transform.
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For this one, the comma is in the right place, but the choice of conjunction verb is wrong. Aside from that, you should attack why she's afraid in the cause-effect relation. If she transforms, someone may see her. Cause and effect. All you need to do is tell people that you're afraid she might get caught transforming for a reason, but saying why she's worried about transforming is people may see her is plenty descriptive, I feel.
Comma Cases:
Quote:
She shakily stood on one side of the log, and walked toe to toe
She bent forward, and lowered herself and managed to keep upright.
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The commas before the conjunction verbs are unneeded.
Seventh:
Quote:
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About halfway there she made a wide step over the bent part of the log, and wobbled.
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Should be:
Quote:
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About halfway there, she made a wide step over the bent part of the log and wobbled.
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Again, an unneeded comma, but you need a comma after the about halfway there because it shows a movement of time. It is something you do when you start a sentence with words like suddenly, in that second, after something happened. Those words set off an action, so you need a comma after them.
There we go. Fix these things and keep them in mind. I may seem a bit mean at first, but you can ask Zero, whom had much more work that needed to be done on his writing, that I get nicer as we go on. Post after you've fixed everything saying your post is all fixed up and I'll give you your next assignment. ^_^