Hello Hello. I'm Mr.Man, one of Power Shot's TAs(Teaching Assistants). I will be your teacher in the Dome. You should probably read up on my characters Mesfido and Jaina. Click on the image in my signature and you should be able to find them both. Now, with my introduction out of the way, time to get to business!

Overall, this is a nice piece. You seem to have a pretty good understanding of grammar and spelling, though your syntax is a little bit strange in places. I would advise you put your work through a spellchecker before submitting it, it will pick up on any spelling and most grammar errors. Mircosoft Word or something similiar should do the job, if you don't have a word processor, I should be able to find another solution for you.

I won't be "correcting" your work as such but rather giving suggestions of how you could improve, whether or not you take all of what I say on board is completely up to you. I don't want to completely change your style; everyone has their own way of writing.

Here are some of the main things I want you to keep in mind for your next pieces.

1-Repetition.
Using the same words over and over again brutally murders a piece of writing. You same to do this a fair amount. For example, look at the first paragraph. It's only two sentences long, yet you use the word "forest" three times. This is a regular occurance throughout the above passage. Try and avoiding using the same word twice in a single paragraph. If you're having problems thinking of a word, try using a thesaurus. It's a brilliant item to have at your disposal, I always have one next me while I write.

2-Wording.
Wording is simply the way in which you arrange words. Your choice of wording is often a bit confused and complicated. Lets take a look at the first paragraph again.

The second sentence sounds kind of wierd and doesn't make that much sense. You broke the actions up with a description which would have been much better had it been given its own space. It would read better like this;

Notice that I also replaced the word "forest", again, this is to cut back on repetition.

Here is another example of unusual wording.

Firstly, starting a sentence with "But" isn't normally a very good idea. It works in some situations, but not this one. You say that she was a curious girl at a young age, which really has little to no relevance to the current description.

It would read better like this:

When it comes to wording, if something doesn't sound quite right to you, try saying it aloud to yourself.

3-Description
Your work is lacking in description. I didn't really picture anything while reading it. A few more vivid descriptions would go a long way.

Alright, I have one litte task for you before I give you your next assignment.

Task
I want you to look at these following sentences and rewrite them. All of them are strangely worded and make little sense. Don't forget to pay attention to repetition. PM them to me when you are done. I'll give you further instructions after I recieve your PM.

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~Fabulous Siggy by Insaney~