This is not very good at all. I am sorry to be so blunt, but I have the feeling you won't get much farther in this, anyway. I'm going to judge this based on how well written something in this style could actually be (which in most cases isn't very high, anyway.)

Your main problem is you're 12. Actually, I don't know you're age, but from what you seem to find humorous, 12 is a pretty close estimate. Also since you rated it T because you use swears leads me to believe you're younger than 13.

Your use of swearing is tactless, and lacks even simple humor. Does Link using the F word add anything to the story or does it subtract? It's abrasive, if anything, and bad to read.

Do you honestly think grown up people have a "I'm awesome, leave me alone, I do what I want." attitude? Link, because of this, seems to be a 10 year old in a 18 year old's body. And again, makes for bad reading.

Then the story takes a complete turn for insanity. Epona is talking to Link (Which, if done right, if hilarious i.e Mr. Ed), but here it's completely random. Why does the horse have booze. Why is Link taking a drink funny? What is it parodying? Do you know what a parody is?

Also why is Ilia gothic? This is given no explanation, and I just don't understand it. I can't say anything else about it, because it really makes no sense.

To reiterate my point of Link being immature:

Nobody acts like that, and if they did, nobody would respect them.

I could go on with technicalities, but the writing here is so poor that those are the least of your worries. This appears as if it was done in the textbox, but I guess since you posted it twice, it was done by some other format. Good luck, I guess.

Oh, and
That's just not funny.

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