Hmm, it was alright, but this story seems to have some issues that I feel I should point out. I'd say your main problems would be people acting completely irrationally, and also your lack of description.
First of all, there's your characers acting outside of their personalities. A lot of your characters returnign from OOT act and react in ways that they never would have acted in the game. I knoiw this is your story and you can be creative and take creative liberties, but in fanfiction it's generally a good idea to keep the personalities of the canon characetrs. For instance:
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A dark shadow passed over the room. In the doorway appeared a strange figure. Link was screaming at the top of his lungs, not to be heard.
"Yell and scream all you want, Link; no one is able to rescue you."
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Why has Link suddenly become a coward? I don't really get why, after years of being the Hero of Time, he doesn't struggle against the creature- he screams and cries for help.
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"Children, your father has been taken away. I need you to do something for me. I want you to go to Kakariko village and talk to Impa. She will give you any information she can. Then, stock up on supplies. You may take your father’s sword and shield, and his fairy bow. Now go for me!"
"Aye, Mother!"
Otome took her father’s Fairy Bow, and Sochi took the Master Sword and the Mirror Shield.
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Here it's Zelda acting out of characetr. Zelda is the Queen of Hyrule- why would she send her children to get Impa when she ciould have sent a messenger to do it? Moreover, why would any mother send her children out into harm's way (they could potentially be harmed, clearly, because they needed weapons, right?) And from their behaviour early in the chapter, I got the impression that they were very young children. You didn't really establish how old they were.
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After talking with Impa, they bought the supplies they needed. They would soon head for the Kokiri Forest.
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And now, Impa is acting out of character, as are the children. Why is Impa sending little kids out against a dangerous foe to save their father? Why aren't the children going back to report to their mother, who is probably waiting anxiously for news? It just doesn't make much sense.
You also seem to be having issues with description. You tell the reader what is going on, but do not further illustrate it.
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They then set off for Kakariko village. When they arrived, Impa was meditating under a large tree.
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You don't describe their journey, you don't describe the villiage, and you don't describe Impa. Yuo take for granted that the reader knows what everything looks like; and because it's a fanfiction, most readers do. However, it would be a good idea to make the world more realistic, describing the sights and sounds of the villiage and fields, and other things.
Here, again, is place where you could do well to do some describing:
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It was true. Impa told them where the kidnapper had taken Link, and told them what supplies they needed. She also told them the name of the kidnapper. Akuhei, Gannondorf’s son.
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You would do well here to have Impa actually tell them, and letting the reader know where he was and what supplies he needed and who he was through dialogue. You should also probably indicate what the childrens' reaction to the events is.
The next two chapters seem to have even more issues with that. You don't describe what's going on- you tell your entire story through dialogue. In addition, you almost never say who is speaking, taking for granted the fact that the reader knows. For instance:
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"Which one should we take?"
"I dunno."
They walked in and a stone door quickly closed behind them.
"Oh no!"
"What?"
"This is what Dad was talking about... It's an enemy door!"
"A what door?"
"An enemy door. We have to defeat monsters and the doors will open. And look! Stalfos!!!"
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I have no idea who is saying which line, because you never indicate. You never tell us who is speaking, so the reader has no way of figuring out. You should almost alwas have something at the end of each peice of dialogue such as "said Otome" or "said Sochi" to let us know who is talking.
It was generally okay, but definately needs work. I'd suggest reading some of the higher-quality fanfictions on this site to get an idea of what I mean by writing in-character and writing description.
Good luck, and happy writing!