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Originally Posted by MrRandom
OoC : Alright, here it is. Bit shorter than last time, though.
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I don't care about word counts. Not with you at least. You always seem to turn out a good number of words, so that is not an issue for you. Do not feel pressured to write long posts.
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White got up off the ground, dusted himself off, and took stock of his surroundings. The walls of the large building he found himself in were a dull metallic colour, and devoid of any features whatsoever, save for a door on the wall opposite him with the words "New arrivals" painted on it in large, red letters. Shrugging to himself, White headed over to the door and walked through it.
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Ahem. It's Comma Rules time ^_^
1:Use a comma before a coordinating conjunction (and, or, but, nor, yet, for, so) that separates two independent clauses.
EX:Traditional classroom methods are under fire from educators nationwide
, and many are advocating that methods for individualizing instruction be incorporated into K-12 curricula.
2:Use a comma after an introductory word, phrase, or clause that comes before a main clause.
EX:Strangely, no one has suggested that Watergate gave us a "new Nixon."
3:Use commas around words, phrases, and clauses in the middle of a sentence when they aren't essential to the meaning of the sentence.
EX: By "imagination," then, I mean the free intellectual and sensory play of the mind.
4:Use commas between items in a series.
EX:The frigid, snowy, windy day was typical of Minnesota in January.
5:Use commas before and after a quotation within a sentence.
EX:"Cooperation between government and industry," the president said, "must exist if the country is to prosper."
6:Use a comma before an afterthought or contrasting element.
EX: For Canada, the War of 1812 was vitally important, far more important than it was for Britain.
7:Use commas to set off geographical names, items in date, and professional titles.
EX:The speaker that day was from Atlanta, Georgia; she discussed the discrimination against blacks which still exist there.
Those are the comma rules. No read through your Post and get rid of any comma that does not fall underthose rules, and add any that are needed. I will not bring up Comma's again in this post, so if you have any questions please feel free to PM me.
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He had just shut the door behind him when an arrow came whizzing through the air and embedded itself in the door just above his head. Startled, he spun around and drew his shortswords, only to come face to face with a tall man holding a longbow grinning a little childishly. He wore a dark green hooded cloak and had a quiver of odd-looking arrows on his back.
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Get rid of this word. It distracts from the point of the sentence, and breaks formality.
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The man walked up to White and introduced himself as Learon. He said he was a bit of a practical joker. No kidding, thought White, though he must have decent aim to be able to do that without thinking that he could miss and kill me. Learon was wearing almost entirely dark green clothing...at least it appeared dark green. He looked at it from another angle and it seemed to turn grey.
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Please put Italics around all thoughts.
I think the bolded part should be combined into a single sentence, it's a little choppy and disrupts the flow of the work.
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Checking around the corridor he found himself in, he noticed that the walls had been painted a dark green colour, but the floor was just grey concrete. There was a sign on the wall saying "New arrivals this way" with an arrow pointing down the corridor. White headed down the corridor in that direction, noting the cheap looking fluorescent lighting that was swaying forlornly from the ceiling. When he noticed Learon following him, he turned to him and asked why he was doing so.
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An Okay Paragraph this one is.
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"I always like showing up and giving the new students a bit of a scare," said Learon with a bit of a chuckle. Learon took his hood off his head so that White could see his face. He *seemed rather unkempt; his hair was brown and all over the place, and his eyes were green and wild-looking.
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Combine the underlined sentences together, they look very choppy like that.
*Well is he or isin't he? Remember this is in third person veiw so it is fine to say he was rather unkempt.
Thats a rather "meh" Description, I'm sure you can come up with a better one then that.
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"AH! He's going to kill us!"
"I'm sure it- wait, who are you?"
"Hm, that was odd..."
"What was odd...?"
"Hm? Oh, nothing..."
"Oh, we're nothing now, are we?!"
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I find it odd that Red would care about the other aspects.
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"Who was that?" said Learon, as he looked around wildly for the source of the voice. "It sounded an awful lot like you..."
"Uh, it's a bit of a story. Let's just say he's a part of my mind. A fragment, if you will. I try to keep them secret mostly, but it isn't easy when they do that"
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"Said Learon" is a very boring way to say that why not try something like "Learon Asked, Learon Questioned, Learon said quizzicly" Something along those lines would fit better.
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"Ah, who cares..."
"I do! I don't want everyone calling me a freak..."
"Don't worry, there's none of that here. Most of the Dome's students are abnormal in some way. I'm pretty much as normal as they come."
"I can see we're in for a fascinating experience here."
"Yes, indeed you are."
"Now, I haven't asked where we are yet, so where on Earth are we?"
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indeed doesn't fit there. Use another word or just get rid of it.
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"We're not on earth, we're in some sort of weird extradimensional pocket of space. At least I think that's what they told me...I can't really remember."
"Fascinating..."
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*Approves* XD
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The pair reached the end of the corridor and entered a large hall full of tables. The floor had a black and white checkered pattern, and White noticed a pair of people taking advantage of this to play a large-sized game of chess. The pieces seemed to be moving of their own volition, but after a minute of observation, Purple pointed out that they were probably using telekinesis or a similar power.
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"large-sized" Wouldn't "Human-Sized" fit better? Large could just mean the peices where bigger then usual, Human-sized tells the reader just how big they are.
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"Oddballs...I'm going to fit in well here." thought White with a smile on his face.
"So it would appear."
A few people were sitting at the tables consuming various foods. Learon explained that this was the Dome's main canteen. He proceeded to tell White that there were a few restaurants dotted around the campus, and the food there was excellent. One of the reasons he was staying here, in fact. White realized he hadn't had anything to eat since the incident with the crate and decided to order something.
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"Various foods"...Err...something doesn't sound right about this description...
The underlined part is confusing, and unneeded.
This paragraph is a tad dull, try rewritting this one plz.
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He checked out the menu : nothing too special, but they did serve nice looking sandwiches. The egg salad *ones looked decent, so he bought one of those. Nothing special, but much better than the dried rations he'd been living off just a day or two ago. Once he'd bought the sandwich, they headed over to a nearby table and sat down; the seats were surprisingly comfortable. Purple took the opportunity to ask Learon a few more questions about the Dome.
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How many different type of egg salad sandwich are there? XP Also hate it when people use the same word twice in one sentence, so take out one of those "ones" please.
He bought the food. They sat down. The seats where comftrable. He asked questions about the dome. All rather dull and choppy, try combing sentences, and varying your sentence types.
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"So, who came up with this place, anyway?"
"You know, I'm not sure. It's been around for as long as anyone I know can remember."
"And you said it was a training facility, so who are the teachers?"
"The teachers? They're all over the place. You might have seen one already and not have known it."
"But how do classes work and things like that?
"Well, I'm not exactly sure. I haven't been here long either, you know."
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Jeeze Purple is annoying, he just has to know everything.
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Once he'd finished the sandwich and had enough of watching the chess players, they walked out through a different door, much to Purple's irritation *: he'd been interested to see how the game ended. They emerged into another corridor, only this one was lined with doors. Each door had a name on it, and White noticed that some of the names were a bit...odd. I mean, what kind on name is "Falenor"? The doors themselves were for the most part plain, brown affairs, though the occasional one had some symbol or other stuck on it, no doubt something to do with that room's occupant. Eventually, they came to Learon's door, and he vanished inside with a rushed goodbye, leaving White out in the corridor without a clue what was going on.
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*No space here.
"I mean, what kind on name is "Falenor"?" XD Lawl.
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"Oh brilliant...that's the second time that's happened. Grr...*
"Now, now, I don't think he'd have just left us here. This may be another test.*
"Yes, it is possible that we are required to use what we know of the Dome so far to determine where to go next...*
"Or we could just bash our way through all the doors until we find someone to help us.*
"...**that would be the dumb thing to do.*
"It would also be an invasion of private property, most likely."
"Yeah, and I don't think it would be terribly pleasant for the room's occupants, either."
"Grr...aw, I wanted to bash stuff."
"Cheer up! You got to carry the crate and dig that hole, right?
"I guess so...thanks.*
"Anytime, Magenta!*
"Um, yes alright, but what are we meant to do in the meantime?"
"Eh, who cares, let's just sit here."
"I say we find Learon again and stab him until he tells us what to do next!"
"He probably deserves it"
"That would just be wrong."
"Hurting others will only hurt yourself in the long run..."
"I don't know, I feel pretty good about it! How about we test this out on you..."
"All right, none of that. We need to be thinking here."
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*You forgot the end quote.
**You forgot your capitalization.
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"Well, that was certainly amusing to listen to..." the voice sounded bored and more than a little bit sarcastic.
White spun around at the sound of the voice. He saw that he was facing a door with "Tsuukai" written on it. Slapping himself for not telling his fragments to hold that conversation in his mind, he walked tentatively up to the door and raised a hand to knock.
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Just a character thing, Tsuukai usually is blunt and to the point so he would not have used that word there. It's your first time using him so that's okay.
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"No need for that, I know you're there, White..." came the reply from the other side of the door. The voice was more than a little bit creepy, and it rather unnerved him.
"I was wondering when you'd show up...a few more minutes and I'd have gotten bored and left. Lucky for you..." It sounded to White as though it might not have been altogether lucky for him, but he tried to put that thought aside as he waited for the door to open.
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"came the reply from the other side of the door. The voice was more than a little bit creepy, and it rather unnerved him." Would sound much better as "Came the creepy, unnerrving voice from the other side of the door," Notice how I combined the two sentences to make it flow better.
Another character thing. Tsuukai usually doesn't not use contractions, or Slang in his speech as he usually is very formal.
Okay fix that stuff, and the Comma Errors following the rules from above, and then post here when your done. Then you'll get your next assignment.
Okay I have two pieces of assigned reading for you(Don't worry one is just a single post) The first is the first eight posts of
"Shadows Favored". Whilst reading I want you to keep in mind sentence structure, and description. Also I need you to read Post 31 of
Broken Blades, the reason I need you to read this will be explained in your next assignment. Feel free to read the rest of the battle if you like.