As you might notice I have a different teaching style then your other teacher. I break the post down, paragraph by paragraph pointing out mistakes and flaws. After you correct them in your origional post, post a reply saying you have done so and I will post your next assignment...if that made any sense.
Also a wise women once said to me "There are two way to improve your writing, write a lot, and read a lot," and I know you will be writing a lot, so the only logical thing to do is assign you some stuff to read. I will assign something to read after every post like this one, which I expect you to read before I give you your assignment. However since I do not have any way of knowing if you actually read it I will be taking your word for it. NOW onto the post. ^_^
First thing's first. DO NOT EVER EVER EVER EVER. Use Smiles in formal novel style writing like this. None of these ^_^, =3, X_X. Okay? Go back and delete all of those before you continue on. @_@
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrRandom
OoC : Alright, I haven't RPed with this guy before, so I'm still working out the best way to do it. So don't be surprised if it sucks  . Also, I got a bit carried away...and just to be clear, if it isn't in italics, it's being said out loud. |
Okay.
Quote:
|
White stumbled into the small village, weary from several days of travelling. He had a quick look around and spotted a small motel near the village’s entrance. He walked up to the motel and booked a room. It wasn’t a particularly fancy room, but it was an improvement on the tent and sleeping bag he’d been using the last few nights. He unpacked his few belongings, lay down on the bed, and fell asleep almost immediately.
|
This paragraph is a little dull, to much "He did this," "He did that" not enough description, and a little bland. No real huge grammatical errors but I would like you to rewrite the paragraph without using the word "he" at the begining of any sentence.
Quote:
|
The next morning, White awoke at around midday. When he got up and saw the time, he decided that he needed to recuperate for a few days before heading off. He headed outside and had a look around the village; it seemed cosy enough. He checked around for something to do, when he saw a little kid struggling with a large wooden crate almost as big as himself.
|
In the first sentence the comma is not needed. Do away with that.
Once again very bland and monotone. Try doing what I asked you to do last paragraph with this one too.
Quote:
Aw, look at that. We really should go and help him.
Yeah! He’d be a lot happier then! ^_^
Nah, let him suffer >=)
Who really cares…
In helping others, you may find a way to help yourself…
It would be the right thing to do.
Maybe we could ask for a fee of some sort? Or a debt, perhaps?
Quiet, all of you! We’re helping, and that’s final!
Aw, where’s the fun in that…
|
Put quotations around all of these. I know they are all spoken in his mind but I would prefer it if you did. Also I am not a big fan of color coding whose speaking, but if you insist on doing that don't forget to color code "white" as well. Even though text appears white once you post it, I happen to use a different skin, and it appears black to me.
Quote:
|
White headed over to the little boy and asked him if he needed help with the crate. The boy gratefully accepted the help and passed the crate to White, who staggered under its weight.
|
Still very dull. White did this, The boy did this. A very uninteresting way to write. If you where reading this how long do you think you would be able to pay attention?
Quote:
That’s odd…a typical boy of that age shouldn’t have the required muscular development to lift such a heavy load.
Things are not always as they appear…
Need any help with that, White?
Uh, yeah, that would be nice.
|
Nothing really wrong here, other then things I have already touched on.
Quote:
|
As his eyes and hair slowly turned to a magenta colour,* White felt the familiar sensation of his strength increasing as the **magenta fragment’s equipment and strength appeared on him. ***He carried the box with much less trouble, following the boy who he was carrying it for, who seemed strangely indifferent to his sudden change in appearance. He seemed to be being led out of the village. After a while,**** he asked the boy where they were carrying the box to, at which point the boy simply vanished.
|
*That comma is not needed.
**Since "Magenta Fragment" is that personalities name, it should be capitilized.
***"He carried the box with much less trouble, following the boy
who he was carrying it for, who seemed strangely indifferent to his sudden change in appearance." get rid of the bolded part. It takes away from the sentence.
****Comma not needed.
[quote]
Gah! That kid duped us! Now we’re out here in the middle of nowhere with a box of who-knows-what…wait till I get my hands on him!
I’m not sure that would be wise…he can vanish in to thin air and carry things he shouldn’t be capable of carrying…it stands to reason that he might be capable of other strange powers as well.
Quote:
"Hey, kid! When we find you, there’s gonna be-"
What have I told you lot about revealing your presence to others?
Yeah? Well nuts to you! "Come out, come out, wherever you are..."
Ooh, can I stab him? 
Be my guest >_>
Ooh, goody! thought Grey as he ran at Red with both his weapons raised.
That should keep Red off my back for a while...
Still, this does present us with an interesting conundrum. Namely, what do we do now?
We should work out who owns this crate and return it to them; that would be the moral thing to do.
Well, we’ve been left out here with it, let’s just keep it. We have every excuse to.
But it wouldn’t be right…
You and your morality nonsense…
…>_>
Well, I say we just rip the crate open and see what’s inside.
That could be dangerous…
I’m sure we can handle it.
Let’s just throw it away and dance back into the village?
…alright, I’m not listening to you anymore. Brown…can you cast something to try and find him?
I could, but then that might be an invasion of privacy…
He just disappeared-
-meaning he probably wants to remain hidden. Who are we to encroach on that right?
We’re the people carrying his box, and he probably wants it back. It might be his, after all.
…I guess you have a point. I’ll have to be manifested though.
Alright.
|
Good I liked this part. It showed how the fragments interact with each other.
Quote:
|
White closed his eyes for a brief moment in order to focus better, and a ball of brown light shot out of the top of his head. Moments later, a being very similar in appearance to White, but with brown hair, eyes, and skin, appeared on the spot where the ball of light had struck the ground. He was slightly translucent, too, and carried a ball and chain.
|
"Moments later, a being very similar in appearance to White, but with brown hair, eyes, and skin, appeared on the spot where the ball of light had struck the ground." Your Commas are all wonky in this sentence, it should read.
"Moments later a being very, similar in appearance to White, but with brown hair, eyes, and skin appeared on the spot where the ball of light had struck the ground."
"He was slightly translucent, too, and carried a ball and chain" Commas a weird in this sentence as well. It should read , "He was slightly translucent too and carried a ball and chain" Though I would suggest removing and and change "carried" to Carrying"
Quote:
Okay, I should be able to search the surrounding area for any sign of him…
The manifestation of White’s brown fragment sketched a few arcane gestures in the air with his hand and mumbled something under his breath. A map of the area began to slowly take shape, with a glowing red dot located on it. Brown pointed to the dot and said that this was where the boy must be…though it appeared to be a few feet underground, just below where they were standing. Puzzled, he dispelled the map with a wave of his hand and was promptly unsummoned; he turned back into a ball of light which shot into White’s skull.
|
Nothing deathly wrong here, grammer wise. Except a map shouldn't show Depth...
Quote:
Well, that’s more than a little odd.
It’s only a few feet, right? We can just dig our way down there, can’t we?
Hm…I guess that makes sense. Which is odd, since it’s coming from you.
What is your problem, you nerd?
Just your startling lack of intellect, you big dumb oaf.
Alright already! We’ll dig down a bit and see what we can find. I’ll manifest Magenta and Red so we can get done faster.
Why would I want to come out and help you dig??
|
Only ever have one question mark, not matter how quizzical the question.
Quote:
Because we’ll probably find the kid that left us out here.
Oh, yeah. Wait till I get my hands on-
Yes, yes, that’s quite enough.
|
Nobody likes red ;_; Poor Guy.
Quote:
|
White closed his eyes once again and concentrated. This time, two balls of light, one magenta and one red, shot out of his head and landed. The figures that appeared were more battle-equipped, though. He then realized that they had nothing to actually dig with, but Magenta started using his greatsword to dig at the ground, and Red just aimed repeated fire spells at it, which seemed to be scorching away some of the earth. White used some simple wind magic to blow away loose dust and ash as they worked.
|
Get rid of the comma's in the second and third sentences.
Very monotone, add some more descriptive words. 80-90 percent of everything you write should be decribing something.
Quote:
|
After about 15 minutes, Magenta put his greatsword clean through the dirt and into what appeared to be a cavern. The three of them jumped through the hole after White had widened it a bit with a simple force blast, and then took a look around. It was completely dark except for the small amount of sunshine coming down through the hole. White unsummoned the two fragments, and looked around.
|
Once again no comma in the first sentence.
Also you to not need to use a comma before and.
Quote:
|
He thought for a minute about what to do, then decided to manifest the blue fragment, since it was the most proficient at light spells; *White had trouble with even sustaining a light source without intense concentration. The figure that appeared after the summon this time was blue in hue and carried a large quarterstaff, with a katana at his belt.
|
Get rid of the semicolon and add the word "as".
Quote:
|
The blue fragment conjured up a spherical light source with a mumbled incantation and looked around. They appeared to be at one end of a passage, and there was only one direction they could take. Blue headed down the passage, but was stopped by White, who had to summon Magenta again to carry the crate with them.
|
Nothing wrong heeeeeeeere~
Quote:
|
The magenta fragment appeared again and picked up the crate with relative ease, though he did need two hands, which was unusual. Once he had the crate,* the blue fragment headed down the passage with Magenta and White in tow. After a few minutes of travel, they came across a large pit of lava. There was no bridge over it.
|
Okay look at this paragraph then look at the one before it. Can you tell me what is wrong with the begining of both?
Comma...get rid of it.
"After a few minutes of travel, they came across a large pit of lava. There was no bridge over it." it would sound much nicer if you combined those two sentences.
Quote:
“Well, that’s just great. How do we get over that?”
“We could just jump it”
Actually, I believe that even with your augmented strength, White would be unable to jump the chasm with the crate. Even unburdened it would prove difficult.
Things are not always as they appear…
Why are we even here? Let’s just head back and get some rest. It’s not like we care about the kid and his dumb box, anyway…
Yes we do, it’s our moral obligation to return it to him…hm, I’d like to try a magical examination of the chasm…
Okay, you got it.
|
I like your dilogue, it shows the characters personalities very well.
Quote:
|
White concentrated on manifesting the brown fragment. When he appeared, he shrouded his eyes in an arcane haze and looked over the chasm. He saw a sturdy looking bridge made form some material he couldn’t identify, and cast a spell allowing the others to see through his eyes, as they all could, being linked as they were.
|
Okay...am I out of the loop or something...cause I have no idea what "arcane" means.
Bolded word should be "from".
Underlined part is unneeded.
Quote:
If I’m not mistaken, that’s just magical force there. We should be able to walk right over.
White took the brown fragment’s word for it and walked over the bridge. The three fragments followed, though it was a bit spooky for all of them, given that they couldn’t actually see the bridge. Luckily,* it was dead straight. Once they reached the other side,* they saw a door in the wall opposite them.
|
Unneeded Comma's.
Quote:
There seemed to be light coming from the other side, so White unsummoned all the fragments and carried the crate himself, with some help from Magenta. He opened the door and found himself in a small, round room devoid of any furniture other than a small chair in which the little boy sat. The boy rose from his seat and began to speak:
“Congratulations, White. You have been found worthy of entry into the Dome. You can put the crate down now.”
|
No need to start a new paragraph for the boy's dilogue.
Quote:
“Phew, thanks,” said White as he put the crate down, “but who are you, and what is this Dome you speak of?”
"And how have we been found worthy? Was there a test? Also, what is in the crate? And-"
Purple…quiet! o_O
"Uh, yeah, that was just-"
"A fragment of your psyche? I know. We’ve been watching you, Torus-"
“Could you call me White?”
“Uh, okay…we’ve been watching you, White. After careful observation, we decided to give you a test. I am merely the messenger, sent to deliver said test. The Dome is a training facility, and the crate contains a portal to it. Any more questions?”
“Umm, I guess not…”
“Great! Well, after you!”
|
*No comments*
Quote:
|
The boy lifted the lid off the crate to reveal a swirling.* pitch-black vortex. With some nervousness, White peered into the crate. With most of his fragments eager to wither train themselves in the Dome or just curious as to where the vortex went, White took a deep breath and tumbled through the vortex into the Dome.
|
*Should be a comma not a period.
Bolder word should be either.
And the last sentence is a little confusing.
OKAY Assigned reading now. I want you to read the first ten posts of this battle
Between Darkness and light. Written by Zorolo and Super-Boss-Lady-Aiko-Chan herself. Have fun ^_^