...Boo!
Sorry I took so long getting to this, won't happen again my good sir! ^__^
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Xavier didn’t say anything, instead he chose to yawn and begin walk away. He chose to ignore the shouts coming from the enraged man he had tried to steal from, and he ignored the curses being thrown at him as he leaped onto a nearby merchant stall and then onto the roof of the building it was next to.
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A bit of repitition there, it's good practice not to repeat the same word more than once in the same chunk of text, it makes things flow not-so-smoothly.
If you were to change one of those 'chose' to decided, and one of thise 'ignores' to something else too, I think the whole first sentence would flow that much better.
Something I will enunciate -- please read
everything you write out loud, and see if it fits. When you're writing, you're converting these ideas into sounds, grunts -- that other people may pick up differently than you do. If you make it read like you speak, it should translate as something much more like what you want it to.
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He tried to ignore the heavy footsteps and shouts from the guards as he leaped across rooftops.
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Niggly little point here -- it should either be 'leaped across
the rooftops' or 'leapt across rooftops' -- I think it's to do with how many rooftops there are, you're mixing the singular and plural endings.
English is a funny old language =P.
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He slowed his pace and began walking down the dirt path he found himself on, and eventually came across a small hut.
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I'd shorten this to:
He slowed his pace, began walking down the dirt path he found himself on and eventually came across a small hut.
By replacing the first 'and' with a comma, I can get rid of the comma in the second part of the sentence. I'm not sure why this is done -- but punctuation's like a puzzle. Writing is all about
flow, see, Each sentence needs to flow and each paragraph and each page and each chapter, zooming out. And the balance needs to be found between 'removing punctuation' and 'making it sound smooth'.
In this case, it wasn't needed, so it was gotten rid of. Shuffle things around until they... gel.
Am I being helpful here? <__<;
Quote:
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If Xavier had questioned why a hut would be in the middle of a dirt road then perhaps he wouldn’t have entered it. Of course he didn’t think of what could happen to him and within seconds of discovering the cabin he had broken in.
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I don't like the beginning of the second sentence, it doesn't read well -- I'd like to smoothen out that sudden 'Of course'...
If we bridge the two sentences and add a space after the 'of course', it'll sound more like the narrator is speaking. You're dropping out of the third person and into the narrative (When there's actually a sentient body telling' when you use the phrase 'of course' -- and adjustments need to made to accommodate that.
If Xavier had questioned why a hut would be in the middle of a dirt road then perhaps he wouldn’t have entered it... of course, he didn’t think of what could happen to him and within seconds of discovering the cabin he had broken in.
An ellipse and a comma -- it spaces the speaking right.
I really hope that what I'm saying is making sense to you, if it isn't then say and I'll slow down and speak at a more accommodating level -- with less psychobabble.
Overall, the piece works quite well. It's entertaining and keeps you reading. If we work that bit on the structure of your sentences, then we should make it work in the close-zoom too ^__^;.
Next: I'd like you to do your thing. Have a bit of fun, but I'd like Asha Boden to appear at the end of your next post -- being attacked by some monster or other.
Have a ball ^__^.