Hallo there! I'm Awkin, sorry I took so long about this ^^;.
Riiiighty-ho then, let's see what we have here...
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Bijou stood still in her wake. Nothing was sound. Nothing was sight. She felt herself breath but whether or not it stood as real was in the questioning. She was dark. All was nocturnal. She breathed out again and this time colour crawled over, like a slow spider on its web. It seemed to puss out of pours and spread itself across a canvas, like paint. Bijou gasped and landed on all fours, wheezing and panting leaving her throat hoarse.
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IN some ways, this is a mess. But at least it's an artistic one -- I like how the odd verbs and metaphors start you off on an unsure footing.
Something small, though -- it should be 'breath
e' and not 'breath' - the first being the verb and the second a noun. It'd be like saying 'The man went run.' -- when it should be running.
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Her eyebrows stitched together in pain and her eyes shut, watering with agony.
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Here we need a tense thingummy. This sentence doesn't fit so well because it lacks a tense-specific phrase, such as 'was', 'is' or 'will be' -- it could be anywhere: it drifts. I'm looking for a word that gives me that information and it's not there. Could you add one, please?
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Discomfort crawled across her skin and sweat shined in crystal like beads. She was hurting.
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I'd hyphenate 'crystal' and 'like' to make it read more naturally.
I've looked over the rest of your work and these are re-occurring problems, double-subjecting and suchlike (I know I'm techno-babbling, please bear with me).
I'd just like you to read over your work out loud, maybe to a friend, or get them to read it to you. And I'd like you to find all those niggly things in sentences that don't quite fit as well as they could do, and iron them out -- alright?
Because this is excellent stuff. A fantastic vocabulary and a
brilliant use of language -- I'd like to make it so it flows. And to do this, I think you have to... take a good look yourself and see if
you think you're making any mistakes. If you think you're not, then say so.
Okay?