Re: Stories From Jupiter
Thanks very much for the comments. That Shooty McGee line was something I had in there when I first started this work almost a year ago and I kept taking it out and putting it back in, unsure of what the characters were going to be like at the time. But still, that's no excuse for poorly written dialogue. Looking at it now, it does seem out of place, especially as I've just been going over the later chapters. I will do my very best to tighten up the dialogue in future chapters! And speaking of future chapters, here's one:
Aurora May
The white hospital corridors blinded Aurora May. The disinfectant invaded her nostrils. For a place that was designed to make people healthy, it had a consistent habit of making her feel sick. She walked with her hands clasped nervously together, her head bowed, peering nervously through her fringe. She fidgeted with a ring on the third finger of her left hand. She needed to get to him. He was not here. She needed a ride. She needed to get to Equa. She watched a silver haired man with a bandage on his left arm come out of a room, accompanied by a man and a woman.
“They patched you up good,” said the woman.
“They certainly did, sweetheart,” said the older man. “Thank you very much for your concern. I suppose I won’t be seeing you again.”
“This is my stop,” said the woman. “It was nice to meet you though. Where are you off to now?”
“I’m not sure,” replied the man.
The younger man interjected, “I have a proposition I’d like to discuss with you,” he looked at the woman, “in private.”
“That’s my cue then?” said the woman.
“That it is,” said the man.
“Thanks for the ride, Dex,” she said. “It was interesting.”
The woman walked away from the two men and toward the exit of the hospital. The hospital’s doors opened up on to the town of Ruffin. An island synonymous with sin. Criminals and violence could be found around every corner and progress found nowhere. The local hospital, though, did a roaring trade.
Aurora listened to the two men.
“I suppose I can’t help but wonder what you want in return for not turning me in,” said the older man.
“Simple,” the one called Dex said. “Help.”
“With finding the bearer of the Dolphin Ring?”
“Yes, you must have connections, a man of your…standing. You must know someone who tried to steal it…and they would know who to steal it from.”
The older man paused, thinking, “Hmm, I suppose it is the least I can do. My connections are numerous, it is quite possible we will find who you are looking for.”
“I appreciate it.”
“I’m curious, Dex,” said the older man. “What is it you seek from this person, if I may be so bold? Is it the end of that blade you carry?”
Dex shook his head, “That isn’t it at all. The woman I’m looking for didn’t hurt me...I want to thank her.”
“Why?”
Dex hesitated for a moment before opening his mouth, “About a year ago, I died. Someone came from behind, I never saw their face, and they drove a sword through me. This sword. Right through my heart. I fell, I remember I fell face first. My attacker, ripped the sword out of me, then dropped it, high tailed it I guess. I was dying. I felt so…lonely. I didn’t want to die alone. And then. Then. Someone held my hand. It was warm. Beautiful. I couldn’t move, I was in so much pain, but out of the corner of my eye, I could see her hand in mine, I saw that ring, dolphins on it. I could make out the shape of a woman, but her hand and ring stuck in my head.
“Then as she held my hand, I died. Woke up in a hospital two weeks later with a new, artificial heart, and no clue how I survived. Docs said I was officially dead for four minutes and twenty seven seconds. She held my hand as I died. I want to thank her for that.”
“And you’ve been crawling the clouds just to thank her?” said the older man. “It certainly is romantic. But as with all things romantic, it is foolish. What of your life? Surely you can’t put it on hold forever.”
“This is my life now,” said Dex. “There’s nothing else for me. I have to see if I can find any more information in this town. I’ll meet you back at the ship.”
“Certainly,” said the older man.
Aurora’s ear’s pricked. A ship. She began following the older man as he walked out of the hospital. She kept a discreet distance. Close enough to see him but far enough for him not to notice her. She followed him through the streets of this filthy town. A town full of thieves and killers. The town she grew up in. It was a small town. The stories were very much larger though. Stories of muggings, maulings and murders were told in more civilised places in hushed voices in dark rooms. Ruffin’s stories were only exaggerated slightly. It had earned the title ‘Rough Ruffin’, but even that did not convey the dangers that lurked in every corner. There were rumours that people were not just killed, they were thrown off the island. The atmosphere would kill them rather quickly. The rumour, though, was that people were thrown off after being forced to wear a spacesuit. They would not die until they had fallen through the atmosphere to a depth where the air pressure would crush the spacesuit and them inside. Aurora had wondered if they would find a pile of bodies if they ever explored the core. From the number of times she had heard the rumour, she was surprised Ruffin was not resting on top of a mountain of cadavers.
She kept her head bowed, her eyes focused on the old man. She ignored the lecherous looks she was receiving from the locals. Men and women looked her up and down, their eyes resting on various parts of her body. It did not help that she stood out. Amongst the rustic brown of the surrounding town, she wore a white dress, with not a stain. It stopped just below her knee and was a loose fitting garment. Her bright, blonde hair drew as much attention as the dress. She kept focused on the old man. Eventually, he came to a docking port and boarded a ship. Before the doors closed behind him, Aurora slipped inside. Once inside the ship, the man entered a room, his quarters most likely. Aurora quickly found a place to hide. She sat in a storage locker in the control centre. She fidgeted with her ring.
“I’ll find you,” she whispered.
Last edited by Mr Spork; 03-28-2008 at 08:45 AM.