All right, here we go:
Capitalization issue here:
Quote:
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“Um…You’re…You’re supposed to follow her.”
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Ignore for a second that those bolded dots (aka ellipses) are periods. Forget that you hit the period key to type them, and think of them as, say...commas. They're just there as pauses in one entire sentence--and therefore, the underlined words should not be capitalized. Capitalizing them would be just like Capitalizing the Words in This Sentence. There's no reason for it.
Following that logic, the sentence should read as:
Quote:
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“Um…you’re…you’re supposed to follow her.”
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A different nitpicky capitalization matter here:
Quote:
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“Now, leave Mr. new-guy alone and go back to sleep, okay?”
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In this sentence, you have the bolded part serving as a name that a man is calling Rain. Names, no matter how silly or hypothetical or made-up, should be capitalized. If I call you "Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes" each part of that has to be capitalized, whereas if I just called you a "goody-two-shoes" as a plain old noun and not a name, it's not. "Mr. Idiot" and "an idiot"; "Mr. Cat" and "a cat". It's the same idea.
That means the quote should read as:
Quote:
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“Now, leave Mr. New-Guy alone and go back to sleep, okay?”
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I know this is pretty picky, but your grammar is already so good that you can afford to go back and fine-tune little things like this to make your writing even easier to read. ^__^
And that's all for errors. As always, awesome job, momma. Rain's personality always shines through in your posts, and your command of grammar and other writing devices is wonderful. :]
Lesson time!
IC:
As Rain took in the sights of the garden, Cadenza flipped through the notes the messenger had slipped her; to her surprise, she was finding that there were some interesting facts amidst all the usual stats and bureaucratic drivel. According to these sheets she had been given, this guy was some part vampire, or
used to be a vampire, or something like that--it was kind of hard to make out exactly what in the middle of the other junk. The term "Grim Angel" had been used, and got a raised eyebrow from her.
This recent batch of students was becoming more and more diverse, she thought, looking up. If she ever, in some hypothetical universe where she was generous, took her students out to drinks, one would ask for chocolate milk with a curly straw, one would ask for beer in a bathtub-sized trough (actually, quite a
few of them would probably ask for that much beer, even if a trough wasn’t their drink container of choice), and now another probably would want human blood straight up in a shot glass. The Dome took all kinds. Even if she didn't want to
teach all kinds.
Most vampires are complete elitist a**holes...
Rain was poking a strange red bud dangling from a tree. His hand recoiled back before the flower rendered him eligible for one of the handicap spaces at a coffin-store, or wherever it was that vamps hung out. Seeing this, Cadenza strode out to stand next to him, trying to recall to mind why the Dome had ordered her to bring him out here.
Some sort of test, some sort of test...
Someone had wanted to know the limits of a Grim Angel, or
something--she remembered that silver had been mentioned in notes and other messages a few times. That meant something here was going to attack him--a person, or just a random barrage of projectiles, or maybe he'd be dropped into a pit of silver spikes--who knew?
She slowly became aware of perforated holes opening up in the stones underfoot and some of the nearby garden walls, and
then she remembered--there were
two students the Dome wanted to test. A
werewolf, and this vampire. And both were going to be pummeled with various sharp pieces of silver as they fought. The only bit she was fuzzy on still was how they were going to be
made to fight--Rain seemed pretty laid-back, after all, and even werewolves didn't pick random fights with guys in gardens for no reason whatsoever.
This thought was still running through her mind when she heard a feral growl and the grating of teeth coming from the garden entrance. She swiveled around to see the werewolf, his giant claws out, and his quivering mouth afoam, and it was clear that however he had been provoked, he
had been provoked, and he was ready to tear Rain and anyone else standing in his way limb from limb.
OoC: The werewolf, obviously, will engage Rain in a fight. Throughout this, the two will have silver darts shot at them from the floor and walls, trying to pierce their skin. Rain should try to figure out first why the werewolf wants to fight him, and then decide where to go from there--either defeating him, or solving whatever the problem is through other means. Cadenza will have dropped into the shadows and gone back to the garden entrance as soon as the fight starts.
In this lesson, I want you to focus on
emotion--the werewolf should be full of blind, snarling rage, but try to give him some personality too, rather than sticking him with the typical gruff beast attitude. This might be challenging, but I know you're up to it, momma, and I really look forward to seeing what you can come up with. ^___^