Things in this section don't get nearly enough attention. :/ ANYWAY.
It was a good attempt. The quality of the writing its self wasn't bad, but it needs some work.
First of all, your chapter didn't really seem like a chapter at all. The chronology was a bit mixed up- you open with a scene, and the rest of it is description of his character, of his race, and some scrambled flashback. It was really confusing, the way you opened with one scene and then spent the rest of the chapter backtracking without coming back to the original scene again.
Additionally, in the flashbacks, you used the wrong verb tense. Some of them looked like possible typos, but some of them were just general errors.
Your fourth paragraph, for instance, should probably look something like this: (changes highlighted)
Quote:
|
A sword in his hand felt as natural as breathing to the young Astari. He thanked those who held deep seeded prejudice against him for finding his love for swords. He had been lured into a trap. He had been led into the forest, almost a mile away from town. There they had cornered him and tried to attack them. He had only been ten then. He had looked around for some kind of weapon, any kind. The gods had been on his side that day; at his foot had been a rather thick stick. Picking it up, he had held it like he would have a two-handed sword.
|
If your story is in past tense, all character attributes described should be in past tense ("he ran"), and all flashbacks in past-perfect tense ("he had been running")
Other than that, not bad! It appears to have great potential. You didn't really give much of an indication of what the plot would be about or other characters, but hopefully you'll do that later on.
Good luck!