Re: [Altamira] Bartholomew's Training
Wazzuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup.
For the most part, your grammar is solid. The only recurring thing I noticed was that you tend to use commas to separate independent clauses (Ie, "The Dog ran, He was very tired.) Can't do it. Use a semicolon (hahacolon) or a dash as the case may be. Or, if you want, you can just separate the clauses into two different sentences...but that's boring.
There're a couple small things, but nitpicking blows. On to more important matters: stylistically, there's one thing in the post that bugs me to no end.
For the love of God Almighty: Show, don't tell. I can't stress this enough. Sometimes you tell, and you show occasionally, but sometimes there's a lack of showing or telling. If this was a Kindergarten class you'd get an F.
In case you don't know (ie, you're English teachers have sucked), showing-not-telling is basically this: make your writing more descriptive. What sounds more interesting: "There is a black dog on a white porch. It is morning and it is warm." OR "The dog stretched out happily in the warm morning sunlight, his black fur standing out against the gleaming, white porch." In the first example, I'm just straight up telling you there is a dog and a porch and it's sunny. In the second, you can picture the scene in your mind, and the reader can add his own details that, while not explicitly mentioned, would fit the scene: the dog's tongue is hanging out and his tail's wagging. There's a chewed-on bone laying nearby."
The reader will always, always, always want to have the scene shown to them. It's way more interesting. Showing-not-telling is basically the most important stylistic issue ever. The best way to start the show (ha ha, pun'd) is to get rid of your being verbs and, once that's done, cut down on helping verbs. Being verbs are passive and...um...not being verbs?...are active. Being verbs tell, not-being-verbs show. You get me?
All right, since going back and editing posts is boring as hell, do this:
BarthOlOmOO (ho HO), having defeated the Hugeass Giant and his little bastard of a minion, will continue through the halls of the Dome until he reaches a gathering area of your choice (for example, a tavern or a library or something). Have him stop to talk to a Friendly Passerby. Unfortunately for him, and more amusing to the rest of us, a group of probably heterosexual elves and elfess-es (wtf) will stop him. The elves are pissed the hell off because that little bastard hobbit thing woke up, somehow got to the meeting area faster than Bart, and started whining about how the giant was killed. What a little pus--ah, never mind. Bartholomew 4 will have to diplomatically negotiate his way out of the mess. Note: he CANNOT fight them. Either they're too strong or there's twenty elves or the she-elves are so hot he doesn't want to hurt them...don't care why. He can be successful or not, in which case he'll have to haul arse out of there.
When you're doing this, focus especially on showing (dur)--cut out your being verbs and reword the sentence if need be--and also on making the supporting characters lifelike. That's big. If I hadn't known the giant was a giant, I would've thought he was an English homosexual tea-swiller. Give the secondary characters their own personalities even if they only have one line. You can do this in description (showing it, of course) and dialogue.
Stay in drugs and don't do school!
~Doc
holychristiwrotealot