Quote:
Ragnos looked around. The front lobby was a large circular room with a high ceiling. The room split into three corridors, each one identical to the next. Suddenly, Ragnos heard a voice from behind him.
"Hail, dark elf!"
Ragnos wheeled around to face a group of 5 elvish creatures.
|
Where writing speech, use double spaces. EX:
Quote:
Ragnos looked around. The front lobby was a large circular room with a high ceiling. The room split into three corridors, each one identical to the next. Suddenly, Ragnos heard a voice from behind him.
"Hail, dark elf!"
Ragnos wheeled around to face a group of 5 elvish creatures.
|
Quote:
|
They were a different race then the Dark Elf tribe he hailed from. Their skin was tanned, almost brown. They were no more then five feet tall, and they each had scruffy blonde hair. Each elf had the clothes of a beggar, torn shirts and scrapped shorts.
|
Most of these sentences are too simple, and can be combined quite easily to give a greater sense of fluidity. EX:
Quote:
|
They were a different race then the Dark Elf tribe he hailed from; their skin tanned, almost brown, and their hair scruffy and blonde. They were no more then five feet tall, and wore the clothes of beggars; torn shirts and scrapped shorts.
|
Quote:
|
The elves all chuckled and one of them replied, "Why yes, we are the trainers here. But by the looks of you, you really don't need any training"
|
When ending a bit of speech without any confirming actions (“Blahblah,”
he said.), make sure that you close it off with a period. And when you do follow up the speech with “he said/she said/ect, close it off with a comma.
Quote:
|
Ragnos eyed the elf cautiously, then replied rather smugly, "Why yes, I am fairly talented in the art of swordplay"
|
Close off with a period.
Quote:
|
Another elf spoke up "Look at that armor! Black as pitch, thick, and looks incredibly light weight!"
|
You need to separate the opening part of the sentence from the speech with a comma.
Quote:
|
Ragnos was beaming now and replied in an arrogant tone "Why yes, this armor is the finest you will ever see"
|
Closing period needed. Also, you’re using the same speech form a lot. Try to mix it up a bit. Instead of (Another elf spoke up, “Speech.”), you could write it (“Speech,” another elf spoke up.) See? Just try to keep things from becoming repetitive.
Quote:
|
Ragnos was smitten by the elves praise that he wasn't fully aware of his surroundings when the elf behind him shouted “NOW!"
|
“Smitten” probably isn’t the right word here, unless Ragnos actually was falling in love with the elves.
A better phrase might be, “lost in”, or “struck”. Also, you hurried this sentence too much, and left out a couple of needed words. It might even be better if you separated it into two sentences. And an apostrophe should follow “elves” since it’s “their praise”. Lastly, you rarely ever want to write in all caps. All in all, this sentence should be changed to something more along the lines of:
Quote:
|
Ragnos was so lost in the elves’ praise that he was no longer fully aware of his surroundings. Sensing this, the elf behind him shouted, “Now!”
|
Quote:
|
In a frenzy, each elf grabbed a piece of Ragnos' armor. The elf behind him managed to get Ragnos' sword out of its sheath.
|
This is another good example of two sentences that can be easily combined. Try changing that period to a comma and adding “and” after it.
Quote:
|
All five took off down the corridors. Two down the left, one down the middle, two more on the right.
|
Here, the second sentence is a continuation/explanation of the first. So, combine them with a semicolon. Also, follow up that last comma with an “and”.
Quote:
|
Ragnos looked down and noticed he was very naked.
|
I don’t quite think that a person can be “very naked”. It’s more of an absolute. Since he’s still wearing his shorts, you might change that to “nearly naked”.
Quote:
|
The corridor was about 7 feet tall and 4 feet wide.
|
When writing like this, it’s generally better to write out words. “7” should be “seven”, and “4” “four”.
Quote:
|
He could see one of the elves ahead of him. The elf was holding a pair of black boots.
|
The same elf is the subject of both of these sentences, and since they’re both “simple”, it seems too repetitive. Try to fit the fact that the elf’s holding the boots into the first sentence and eliminate the second.
Quote:
|
"COME BACK HERE YOU LITTLE CRETIN!" Ragnos shouted.
|
Remember that I told you that you rarely ever wanted to write in all caps? Well, this might be one of those instances. All caps should be reserved only for the purest, loudest emotions, which this is. I would, however, like to see it justified a bit more. Try to add an adjective (maybe two) to the follow-up action (Ragnos shouted—in what?).
Quote:
|
When Ragnos was about 10 feet from his prize, the elf made a sharp right and disappeared into another corridor.
|
Number to be written out.
Quote:
|
A motion-activated voice called out "First Floor, Aerial Combat Training". Indeed, the room was about 6 stories high, and the boxes could be climbed and jumped all the way to the top.
|
Insert a comma after “out” and write out “6”.
Quote:
|
At the top were two large floating platforms. One which Ragnos was standing on, and other which the elf was standing on.
|
Combine these sentences for simplicity. “…platforms, Ragnos standing on one, and the elf on the other.” You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you to combine some sentences and separate others. Well, there are many reasons for one over the other, and they can change with the particulars of whatever you happen to be writing. In some instances, simplicity might be better. In others, more complicated sentences would be preferred. It’s hard to explain, but it’s something that you’ll gain a sense of the more you write and the more experience you gain. But as a rule, the three main things to consider are fluidity, emotional impact, and proper grammar.
Quote:
|
In between the three was a pile of Ragnos' armor. His chest plate, circlet, Leggings, and gloves.
|
Un-capitalize “leggings”, and combine the sentences with a colon.
Quote:
|
The only thing he was still missing was his trusty sword, the elf that had stolen it was not at the meeting that Ragnos just destroyed.
|
Comma should be a semi-colon.
Quote:
|
the elves were all gone, so he decided to lean his back on the main doors and have a nice nap.
|
Capitalize “the”.
Alright, that’s all. Fix ‘em and I’ll give you your assignment.
Oh, and two minutes before midnight, so you don't get to eat my liver.