Let's begin!
Dialogue formatting problem here:
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“Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for you?” It spoke again, but its mouth didn’t move.
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Putting this bolded part after the dialogue as its own separate sentence is a little strange. It makes it sound as if the guy spoke again
after that piece of dialogue. There are two ways you can fix it...
Way one:
Quote:
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“Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for you?” it spoke again, but its mouth didn’t move.
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This way makes it part of the sentence with the dialogue--if you're going to put a "he said" or a "she asked" or something like that after a line of dialogue, then no matter what that dialogue ends in (question mark, exclamation point, or a comma for a period) the first letter of the next word should be lowercase, as it would be in any sentence (unless it's a proper noun or the word "I".) The punctuation in the quotes does not matter:
No matter what the dialogue ends in, the "h" in "he" is not capitalized. If it was, it'd be just like randomly capitializing a letter in a middle of a sentence, like this: "I am Going to the store."
Way two:
Quote:
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It spoke again, but its mouth didn’t move. “Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for you?”
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Here, you simply put the sentence before the dialogue, so that it's clear that it is describing the dialogue to follow.
The dialogue formatting error I discussed in way one occurs elsewhere too:
Quote:
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“It’s okay,” She responded, smiling, “I’ve never seen you here before. You must be new here!”
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The "s" of "she" should not be capitalized, for the reasons I already rambled about. ;P
And that's all for errors! Awesome work! I loved the bear-guy and how the little girl began to describe Cadenza--and Rain's just great throughout the whole piece! *applauds*
Normally, I'd like to give you an IC lesson just about now, but...if I'm going to get through all this grading, I'm going to have to conserve the little energy I do have. <___<;;
So for now, I cop-out and give you an OoC one:
Have Rain try to speak with Cadenza and/or ask any questions he might have--but find that she's not very responsive. She'll grumble about having to leave the cafeteria and go to work, perhaps muttering something about how the Dome never gives her a chance to relax, and will lead him out into the halls. There, she'll grudgingly open up to answering more of his questions. Have her eventually lead him to a garden in the Dome, on the way to which any little incident you'd like to happen can occur, and once there she'll ask him what brought him to the Dome. No word minimum--this is just an exercise in character portrayal and interaction.