;_; wah, sad start.

Very hooking so far, Davidia. But if I might make a few suggestions - 1. your use of long strings of huge words is a good way to make sure most readers besides me DON'T put in the effort to read through to the end of this segment. Also, along the same lines - 2. you need to be a bit more to the point in your writing early on. You have to get people hooked to your writing first - after that, you're free to throw in all the artsy themes and alliteration tricks you want. :3

You put a ton of seemingly random details into this part of your story, and it makes me hope you don't over-concentrate it later. Usually, flashback-style parts or parts that take place in a character's early life just get skimmed over and are told very succinctly, so your choice to do this seems a bit strange at the moment. But then again, you are the one who knows how your characters think, so hopefully this will begin to make a bit more sense later. But just so you know, during the beginning of a story, shorter and to the point usually equals better. ^^;

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