Let's begin!
Formatting issue first:
Quote:
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“No. But I don’t see how that answers my question.” The woman stopped abruptly in front of a door. It was exactly the same as everything else in the Dome except there was a large blue anchor printed on it. “Follow this pathway,” she said again cryptically. For a second Nate felt that she was enjoying herself. Not wanting to incur the odd woman’s wrath again, Nate obliged. He pushed the door open with quite some exertion and peered into the room beyond. Just as he was about to tell Cadenza he would rather not the woman give him a nudge. Startled, the boy stepped forward slightly then fell into the room. He landed uncomfortably on something hard and glanced up quickly to the doorway. It was sealed tight.
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A new paragraph should be started with each line of dialogue here--every time a new speaker begins, or some other person performs an action between their lines of dialogue, you should start a new paragraph. Applying that rule, the quoted paragraph should look like this:
Quote:
“No. But I don’t see how that answers my question.”
The woman stopped abruptly in front of a door. It was exactly the same as everything else in the Dome except there was a large blue anchor printed on it.
“Follow this pathway,” she said again cryptically.
For a second Nate felt that she was enjoying herself. Not wanting to incur the odd woman’s wrath again, Nate obliged. He pushed the door open with quite some exertion and peered into the room beyond. Just as he was about to tell Cadenza he would rather not the woman give him a nudge. Startled, the boy stepped forward slightly then fell into the room. He landed uncomfortably on something hard and glanced up quickly to the doorway. It was sealed tight.
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It may look overly-spaced out at first, but this is the general format of roleplaying and prose. In time, you might come to appreciate it as being easier to read than having the dialogue lost in paragraphs of descriptions and unrelated actions.
Apply this rule to any other instances where this problem occurs.
This next thing is merely a question I had, and
not an error I'm pointing out:
Quote:
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He fired a bolt of electricity at the ceiling, making a huge cracking sound. Suddenly a violent burst of wind filled the room and Nate’s barrel started moving rapidly. The water started flowing downwards and a tiny cloud was producing lightning and rain above him.
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How can Nathan shoot electricity while in a river without being electrocuted (or at least badly shocked?) o_O
Aside from those things, I see nothing to draw attention to. Great job! This was very well done--I liked how Nathan's distrust of the Dome and Cadenza was interjected throughout. It really gave a sense of how he was feeling throughout this whole experience. :]
Fix that little formatting issue, and once I'm satisfied that you understand it, I'll give you a new lesson.