Let's start!
A picky issue here:
Quote:
|
Raven was overwhelmed by the enormity of the Dome; the group walked along a corridor that was about 3 metres wide and had doors of every sort you could imagine, lined on each side of the hallway.
|
As a general rule of thumb, you should always write out any number up to (and including) ten. I usually write most, if not all, numbers out completely, but I will only ask that you do so for those up to ten.
This little problem repeats itself elsewhere in the post--find that and fix it as well (it's in the part describing the library.)
A punctuation issue here:
Quote:
|
The room within had walls similar to the door, and inside she saw a man in white robes sitting quietly in front of a large golden statue, he must be meditating she thought; at least, she thought that until the statue stood up and prepared to punch the man.
|
You should use a semicolon before the bolded piece (or start a new sentence) to transition into Raven's thoughts--otherwise it's too disjointed from the part of the sentence that precedes it.
Small typo here, which I point out only for the sake of reminding you to be on the lookout for these:
Quote:
|
"Training comes in many forms; you will come to now this as you train here," the blue man explained. "Now, on with the tour."
|
The bolded word should be "know".
And that's all for errors. *applauds* Wonderful piece--I truly enjoyed reading every bit of it. You really impressed me with this post, and have shown great improvement (or perhaps just the skill you already had shined through more in this post. ;]) The descriptions flowed well and drew upon imagery nicely, allowing me to picture each person and place you described without any trouble. Characterization was good, and Louis was portrayed without issue. And above all, despite the post's length, it did not
drag--everything ran along smoothly and I was compelled to continue reading on. I almost wish it didn't end when it had. ^^;;
Fix the few errors I pointed out and then I'll give you your next lesson. :]