Sorry for the long period of waiting. This huge delay shouldn’t happen again, really. Maybe unless you finish up all the assignments for the Intermediate class, and if we have nothing else to give you then. But I think I’d be allowed to improvise a little if something like that happens. Just a reminder, you’ve got great potential, I think even to promote you to an Advanced student soon if you improve enough. We’ll see if you can compare to the folks up there in time. I’d like to see that--of course, if Shrub doesn’t quit on us. ‘Chances of you being promoted will depend upon your progress. I wonder how your skills have changed throughout months. I realize that you have written this post a while ago, so I’m not going to think that you haven’t improved through the months passed. I guess I’ll see about that in your next assignment. We’ll just fix this one up first.

Nice to see that you always exceed the minimum amount of words required per assignment. It shows me that you’re dedicated to your character and what you post. We appreciate the development of one’s character. A large dose of that is mainly what we look for when deciding where to put a student. Well, of course, other things matter. Supposedly you’re to focus on combat scenes, environmental description and stuff like that while you’re an Intermediate student. But a little insight on the character doesn’t hurt, so I’m glad you implement that.

Onto the corrections. There are a few errors that you keep on repeating. I’m going to talk about the main ones that you should watch out for. I want you to remember them. To make sure that you do, I’ll be picky about letting you move on to the next assignment if you repeat these errors too much.

Some rules on using quotation marks: there are different punctuation marks used at the end of dialogue to help emphasize how the speaker says what they say. There are about four. You have yourself a question mark (?); a period (.); a comma (,); an exclamation point (!), and sometimes, a dash (—), but not usually. You know this, yeah. However, these are not each used in the same way. Let me give you an example for each.

When asking a question, there are usually two standard ways to introduce that speech in dialogue.

• “How come?” my friend asked me.
  
• My friend asked me, “How come?”

They are grammatically correct. These examples below, however, are incorrect.

• “How come?”, my friend asked me. (Notice the bolded comma. The comma following the closing quotation mark is not needed).

• My friend asked me, “How come?”. (And notice the bolded period here. Even if you are ending a sentence with dialogue, do not put a period after the closing quotation mark. The (?) mark ends the sentence).

• My friend asked me “How come?” (The comma is missing before the quotation mark. Always include it when introducing dialogue in this form. In some cases, you can use a colon (:), but I don’t recommend that ‘cause you might confuse yourself).

The same rules apply for exclamation points (!). There are generally two ways, of course.

• “Hey! That’s mine!” my friend exclaimed.
• My friend exclaimed, “Hey! That’s mine!”

When dialogue consists of multiple sentences said at once by the same person, you can separate them so that you can devote detail to each sentence spoken, like so:

• “What are you doing?” my friend said anxiously. “That’s mine!” she then yelled.

Instead of:

• “What are you doing? That’s mine!” my friend said anxiously.

This can be done, though. It’s up to you how you wish structure it. You don’t have to separate every sentence all the time. Use your judgement; whatever is best for you. The point, really, is to explain how a person says something as best as you can.

There’s one rule for periods associated with quotation marks, and that is, when you use it to end dialogue, nothing goes after it. Nothing. Here is what I mean:

• I said out loud to myself, “Damn, I have to finish this today.”
• “Nonsense!” I retorted, and stated, “That’s a lie.”
• He bleakly said, “There! Now, get out.”

In whatever form you introduce dialogue, periods placed before the closing quotation mark always end the sentence. I trust you don’t need examples for using commas. Just know, when you use commas, it is probably because you’re about to explain the manner in which the speaker said what they said. Keep the comma before the closing quotation mark, as well as the other punctuation marks.

Another thing. Your and you’re are completely different words. Never confuse them. Your indicates something belonging to the person or people that the speaker is addressing, or talking to. You’re is the contraction of you are.

Some people usually have the same problem with it’s and its. It’s is the contraction of it is or it has. However, its, without the apostrophe (‘), indicates something belonging to a thing that was mentioned before, or that belongs to a thing that one can identify.

Don’t make the mistake of getting mixed up. Keep all of this in mind. It’s simple stuff.

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Now let’s move on to analyzing your post. I will be placing parentheses and a number within them to identify the mistake, sort of to make your life easier. Text colored in Lime means that there is either a punctuation, grammar, or spelling error. Red text means to exclude/erase whatever is highlighted. Black text is text that I may have suggested, which should make the sentence make more sense. I’ll be analyzing every paragraph, and will be pointing out the errors. I won’t criticize your style or anything like that too much while I do this, though. Those are things I might focus on later. We start slowly first with little errors.

• (1) The pause needed between “The entire room was made of mirrors”, and “reflections of himself stared back at him as he looked...” is stronger than a comma. If you read the sentence out loud, you’ll notice what I mean. Try and replace the comma with a semicolon (;), or a period. If you know how to use dashes, maybe you can use that. If you replace that comma with a period, you will be starting a new sentence with “reflection,” so you have to capitalize the r.

• (2) Incorrect use of the apostrophe for eye’s. The plural form of eye is spelled eyes, without an apostrophe. Many people make mistakes like that. Well, you may know this – it could be a simple typo. Just fix it up.

• (3) Exclude/take out one. This is because you are repeating the noun. You’re basically saying, “The warrior had never seen anything even close to this except for a fun house, which he had not been in a fun house since he was 5.” Doesn’t sound right. But if you take that out, it’ll be a good sentence.

• (4) Common mistake. Alot is not a word. Lot is a word. A is usually placed before it because it’s like saying, “a place.” You have to separate the two. Get it to say a lot.

• (5) Infront should also be separated into two words. If these are typos, watch out for them. Spell check does justice, but if you use that, make sure the words that are fixed are correct.

Here are just a few things I want to point out about this post:

On the first paragraph, it looks like you are introducing the setting. Shrub has given you an idea of what it should look like – basically a room with mirrors everywhere. I’m seeing that your description of this place is a little weak. Devote a little more detail to this special and unique area. Although most of Shrub’s students have an experience in the mirror room, the room can be described differently with every person. You don’t have to go crazy describing every inch of the room, of course. Try to explain the most obvious aspects. Of these things include the general size of the room, what kind of material the mirrors seem to be made of, etc. Things like that are important. I can be picturing the room as being huge, but other readers may picture it spanning just a few yards. Your goal is to have control. They’re your places; it’s your character. How do you want us to picture them, for the sake of keeping us entertained?

“He could have sworn he could feel his inner soul raging inside of himself.” This is a very powerful statement. The concept is just so interesting. That doesn’t just happen to anyone, and I think it’s a rare feeling too. When you write about unusual feelings like this, talk a little more about them. Make the reader more familiar with these unfamiliar concepts to make your writing much stronger. Sometimes writers use whole paragraphs to describe strange feelings. That’s not required of you, but know that you’re not limited to single statements to describe feelings. Anyway, moving on.

• (6) Exclude/take out that comma before as. Otherwise, as would probably mean because. If by as you mean while, then don’t separate it from “his mouth wide open”.

• (7) X Vitros thought, “Evil,” when he saw the darker version of himself. That’s just one word. “The first words that spoke in the warrior's mind were: Evil.” Do you see how there’s no agreement there? Since he thought of one word, fix up the sentence to: “The first word that spoke into the warrior’s mind was: evil.” Notice that evil is not capitalized. Words written after a colon or semicolon are not usually capitalized, unless they’re a name or so. If you can come up with more words that Vitros thought of, then you don’t have to change the sentence much.

• (8) Change that comma to a period, because that sentence is not related to the dialogue after it.
• (9) Change that comma to a period, because that sentence is not related to the dialogue after it.
• (10) Add a comma there, because there is a pause.
• (11) You’re missing a pronoun or a noun to describe the enemy. Try adding the pronoun he.
• (12) Replace with you’re.
• (13) Remove the comma.

• (14) Add a comma there, because and connects two sentences in this case. If you had a sentence in which you had to mention two related words, like so: “in order to draw, I need pencils and an eraser,” then there a comma is not needed, because and in that case would be connecting words.

• (15) Remove the comma.
• (16) There is not really a pause there, so you should remove that comma.
• (17) Replace with a period. That sentence is not related to what is said within the quotation mark.
• (18) Replace changed with change.

• (19) Replace with you’re.

• (20) Because the previous text within the quotation marks was spoken by the enemy, the sentence after (20), which mentions an action done by X Vitros, should be treated as the start of a new paragraph. Separate them. Ask me about this if it's confusing.

• (21) Same deal as with (20). Treat it as the start of a new paragraph.

• (22) Remove the comma.
• (23) Remove the comma.

• (24) A couple of words are missing in this sentence. It looks like you want to connect that clause with the previous dialogue. Fix it up so that it makes sense. Try doing that by writing something like, "He unsheathed..." to start it off as a new sentence, and then get the rest of it to make sense.

• (25) Replace with image's, because there is possession involved there.

• (26) Change that comma to a period, because that sentence is not related to the dialogue after it.
• (27) Replace with you’re.
• (28) Remove the comma.
• (29) Typo. Did you mean off?
• (30) Indicate who he is.

• (31) Tell me who he is, because the sentence before was talking about the enemy. I know that you are referring to X Vitros when you say he, but to make it clear for everybody, when you have situations in which you have two or more people interacting closely, label them by name, especially if they are of the same sex. Otherwise, he can mean any of the two guys in this case. You can use pronouns like he even when you have situations like these, but be careful about using them.

• (32) Replace with whizz. You forgot the h.

• (33) I don’t consider this one an error, but the sentence is kind of long. Actually, it depends upon if he really is ducking and throwing a punch at the same time or not. I highlight as because it’s the word that is connecting two different actions. Does he really do these two things at the same time? If so, ignore this. Or, is one action done after the other? Use then instead of as if so, and don’t forget the comma before it.

• (34) Since you mentioned Dark Vitros before the start of this sentence, replace he with Vitros to make it clear who you are talking about.

• (35) Start a new paragraph because the following dialogue is spoken by the enemy. The sentences before are not related to it.

• (36) Remove the comma.

• (37) It’d make more sense if you’d make it th instead of just t. If you were to read Vitros’ dialogue out loud, you’d most likely say “th...that” instead of “t...that”.

• (38) Remove the comma.

• (39) If you are going to include text that requires quotation marks within quotation marks, use something else. In American English, this is the structure: (“ ‘ ’ ”) Notice the apostrophes within the quotation marks. In this case, instead of writing “Training”, you have to write it as ‘Training’.

• (40) Tell me who he is.
• (41) Typo. It’s spelled dying.

• (42) To make it clear, indicate whose blade Dark Vitros grabs.
• (43) You’re missing the word and to connect the two clauses.
• (44) Remove as from there, because you don’t need it.

• (45) You either have to replace sending with sent, or take out and and replace it with a comma. Pick only one.

• (46) This word should be an adverb, not an adjective, because there is a verb after it. Convert the adjective amazing to an adverb by adding ly at the end.

• (47) You should start a new paragraph here.
• (48) Unless he actually laughs those words, replace the comma with a period.
• (49) Remove the comma.
• (50) Typo. You are confusing the contraction they’re with their. Use they’re.
• (51) Instead of using a comma, use a semicolon (;). The pause is strong there, but not so much as to use a period.

Lots of errors, heh. If you are confused about any of these numbered points, PM me about them and I can further explain them to you. Overall, it was pretty good. I enjoyed this post. Fix these errors first, and once you do, I’ll tell you what to do next.

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::Saelius:: ::Nasstephan:: ::Narken::