There are some more, but I won't point them all out now. We can wait to work on some things in future posts.
Here's the last of the ones I'll mention:
Quote:
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"Friend!" Echoed the voice.
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The "e" of echoed should not be capitalized, because it's in the middle of a sentence and it's not a proper noun (a name) or the word "I". Even though the dialogue part ends with an exclamation point, the piece that follows is still part of the same sentence, and so it should be treated as such. Capitalizing the "e" there is just like this: "Timmy Rode a rollercoaster yesterday." That doesn't look correct, right? Your sentence's grammar is flawed in the same way.
This problem repeats itself elsewhere in the post, like here...
Quote:
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"Just me..." A voice said, Viratious started charging up an attack to kill whoever was near.
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...so look for more errors like this and fix them.
Parallel structure issue here:
Quote:
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The figure was tall, had white hair, was wairing a golden necklace with an ancient symbol on it, and a mixture of white and black clothes, with an ancient symbol tatooed in red on his right palm.
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I've already explained parallel structure and how to fix errors with it in an earlier post, so look at that and apply the things I told you.
After you fix those things, start your new lesson--which is to continue the battle you begun. Have your post end with Viratious finding himself in the Dome somehow.
Oh, and for future reference, your teacher will be my character, Louis Fritz.