Alrighty, here we go:
Formatting issue here:
Quote:
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"Mister...mister bear?" The elf stared up at him. "A message, a message!" Annoyed by his tinny little voice, Ejnar brushed him aside with a paw and walked into the room. There were many different people inside the vast cafeteria, of all races, skin colors, builds, sizes...anything you could think of. Padding up to one table, Ejnar tapped a man on his shoulder. "'Scuse me. What is this damned place, anyways?" The man turned around from a sandwich he was eating, and adjusted his spectacles on his wizened little nose. He was an old man, to be sure, and he seemed to be a scholarly one, at that. A long, white beard flowed from his chin and his hair was a regal silver color. Squinting through his small glasses, a smile came to his face. "Jhans? No, that can't be Jhans. But a Panserbjørn, yes, a Panserbjørn!" He smiled once more. Scanning the crowd, he turned back to Ejnar. "Hmm..I suppose she'll teach you.."
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Whenever a new person is speaking, or performing an action after someone else has spoken, it's good to start a new paragraph. Applying that rule, this paragraph would look like this:
Quote:
"Mister...mister bear?" The elf stared up at him. "A message, a message!"
Annoyed by his tinny little voice, Ejnar brushed him aside with a paw and walked into the room. There were many different people inside the vast cafeteria, of all races, skin colors, builds, sizes...anything you could think of. Padding up to one table, Ejnar tapped a man on his shoulder. "'Scuse me. What is this damned place, anyways?"
The man turned around from a sandwich he was eating, and adjusted his spectacles on his wizened little nose. He was an old man, to be sure, and he seemed to be a scholarly one, at that. A long, white beard flowed from his chin and his hair was a regal silver color. Squinting through his small glasses, a smile came to his face.
"Jhans? No, that can't be Jhans. But a Panserbjørn, yes, a Panserbjørn!" He smiled once more. Scanning the crowd, he turned back to Ejnar. "Hmm..I suppose she'll teach you.."
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If something about this rule doesn't make sense to you, let me know. It's kind of one of those weird rules with vague principles and inexplicable exceptions that you sort of have to develop a feel for. ^^;;
Try applying this to wherever else you might see this problem.
That's it for errors. Awesome work! I already told you in the OoC how much I liked this piece.
Here's your next lesson:
Have Ejnar and Cadenza formally meet--paying delicate attention to portraying Cadenza's character as best you can, as character portrayal will be our focus this time around. She'll be more polite to Ejnar than she is to the typical student, since he'll remind her of Jhans somewhat, but she will never explicitly mention that detail to him. Have her answer any questions he might have, and while they're talking, have her lead him to a room that she'll eventually identify as the door to his dormitory at the Dome. End your post with Ejnar taking his first step inside--but save the description of the room(s) for your next lesson. ;]