Okay, let's begin:
A sentence structure issue here:
Quote:
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Ragnos trudged through the Kithicor woods. His home city long behind him, Ragnos marched forward. He only had two years to be away, and then he was forced back into the Kithicor army until his death. The sky above the trees was growing darker, as the sun began to fade behind the horizon. Ragnos sighed in relief, at night, he could finally keep up a quick enough pace to get out of the nightmarish forest.
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Throughout this paragraph, you use many short sentences, and the overall effect is choppy and detached. Since this isn't a stream of consciousness (aka, his thoughts), and this isn't a fast-moving action scene, it'd be better if you connected and edited some of these sentences together to make them flow more smoothly. For example:
Quote:
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Ragnos trudged through the Kithicor woods, his home city left long behind him as he marched onward.
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Try your hand at fixing the rest of the paragraph in the same manner. If you need help, let me know.
There are one or two other kinds of iffy things about that paragraph, but I'll let them go and see if they're fixed when you make those structural edits. If not, we can work on those more picky details as we progress. ;]
An error with verb tense here:
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Ragnos needed to get out of this cage before he was brought to the boarman lair, where he would surely be devoured. It was still night, so he should be able to break through the wooden bars.
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You're writing in past tense here, so the bolded word should be "have been" rather than "be". Skim through your post to make sure there are no other tense errors like this one.
Word confusion here:
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He was at the edge of the forest, he could see a giant spherical dome in the distance, out on a green plane.
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The bolded word is the wrong kind of "plain/
plane". The one you want here is "
plain". (I've linked you to dictionary definitions for both if you're confused by that.)
That's all of the errors I'll point out this time. I've decided that your teacher will be Cadenza Madrigal, because even though your sentence structure could use some work in some areas, your writing overall is pretty solid and reads much like the style of a novel. Once you finish fixing up the errors I've pointed out, post here and I'll give you your next lesson.