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Originally Posted by Sakume
Okay. I'll leave you a review.
-Character Development-
Pretty good so far, although I haven't read a lot of your past stuff you've written, I believe I've seen enough to develop a good grip on most of the characters. Some of them are not mentioned quite enough to give a person enough insight on them, but since this fic is obviously just beginning, there's no reason to patronize any one character for lack of depth. You have an incredible gift for displaying emotion more than any other plus in your story. As I've written before, parts of this made me cry. It takes a lot for a person to do that with stories. The detail of the encounters and interaction makes them believable, beyond any doubt.
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Uhh...wow. You put effort into that. I wasn't really expecting an actual
review...not that I'm complaining. Heh.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sakume
There is also a delicate balance between making the people and places believable and yet keeping the fantasy world intact. You seem to have that balance very well-placed. I find one thing a bit puzzling. Blitz assumes that Eka is a Christian when she mentions this "True God." You would think that he would not accept that as a fault, since diverse religions would refer to each of their own gods as true. It could be that I'm overlooking something, or that it's simply an instant response on his part. It's also strange that she is referred to as Christian and yet, obviously does not act like one. I'm sure this is a part of your plot, but it just seems awkward to me.
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I never said Eka was Christian. Blitz did.
When someone in America refers to the "True God", the first thing that comes to mind, typically, is Christianity. Base 17 is located somewhere in southwest US, but Blitz and Drake are both Texans by birth. That is to say they were
born in Texas. Their roots are quite a ways away from the US.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sakume
-Plot-
This I can't really say much about, as I'm not sure where you're going with it. I feel like I've read this before for some reason, but that can't be as you're posting for the first time, I believe. I can say that I don't know why Blitz would ask such a thing from his wife. I've never heard of that sort of proof before. His attitude changes from "loving" or at least seemingly, to cold in moments, and he regrets it the instant after it takes place, even though he had every chance to stop it. That I don't understand.
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I'm going somewhere, believe me. You're not supposed to understand what happened there, but trust me that it will make complete, perfect sense when I reveal the truth. You will also have no questions as to Blitz' actions at that time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sakume
The relationship portrayed between Viscen and his "niece" is very cute and well-portrayed, and I'm curious as to how long you've used these characters as your own, if they are all your own. I recall you making references in the beginning of this thread to Safer and Bloodsword. And I'm also curious as to when this takes place, since I remember reading another thread that involved Blitz being a spirit, but can't find it for the life of me.
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I have only two RPs the duration for which Blitz is a spirit. One is
Misery Loves Company with Ranarath, the other is
RIP. You shouldn't have any trouble finding either, since both are linked to in Blitz' profile.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sakume
-Grammatical Expertise-
From what I can see and I'm about the same level as you, or so you've claimed, you have a good grip on vocabulary and using it correctly. I never doubted you in this area. There may be one or two places where a comma or semicolon should be inserted instead of something else, but I'm certainly not going to point anything like that out, especially with no excess. There is also an instance or two where you use "?!" as an exclamation, which is technically not correct, but since you use it for emphasis, I won't bug you about that, either. All in all, it is a great variant of the English language, and good sentence forming.
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I'd be ashamed if it weren't so, being a Grammar Nazi.
Well, ex-Grammar Nazi, but that's Andurhil's fault. Not mine. Yeah, I only use "?!" in extreme circumstances. Double-punctuation may be a pretty big no-no, rules were made to be broken. Doubly so in literature.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sakume
All in all, a very enjoyable read, and I look forward to more, and forgive any mistakes I’ve made in this review, since I’m sick and I can’t think very well.
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No one has ever given me a review this well thought out, so forget about it. Heh.